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Mother Nature Added to Axis of Evil List

WASHINGTON, DC - With Hurricane Dennis hitting Florida with 120 mph winds, the White House announced the addition of Mother Nature to Axis of Evil list.

Oh sure, she's pretty, but she can be a mean lass.

"The tsunami really sort of awakened us to the fact that Mother Nature is in possession of WMDs but has signed no treaties for their control and/or eradication," said spokesmodel Ari Fleischer.  "After last year's attacks on Florida, and now an attack this year as well, this is our way of telling her to back off, or we may be forced to bust a cap in her."

Democrats Prepare List of Desirable Attributes for Supreme Court Nominee 

WASHINGTON, D.C. - In a show of bipartisan cooperation, Democrats held a secret meeting to produce a list of attributes they would like to see in any nominee Bush puts before Congress to fill the vacancy created by O'Connor's departure from the Supreme Court.

"We want to avoid any prolonged bickering on this issue," said Senator Kennedy.  "So we're providing advice for Bush so that he can send someone everyone would accept."

WeeklyNewz obtained a copy of this document, which is only one line long.  It reads:  "Send us a welfare mother who deals crack and has had a half dozen abortions."

Columns                                      

Christobol - Here Comes Da Judge

Gertrude Sez

G8 Concludes with World Peace, Global Warming Solutions

GLENEAGLES, SCOTLAND - Speaking for world leaders who attended the summit, British Prime Minister Tony Blair highlighted the success of the meeting.

"There was a rock concert style press conference to conclude the G8.

To wild screams of applause, Blair announced that world hunger had been resolved.  War had been "regulated to the point of extinction", and a resolution had been passed prohibiting the globe from getting any warmer "under threat of some pretty nasty fines."

Afterward, Blair was joined by Bush, Chirac, and Putin in an acapella version of Mandy that caused open weeping for many of the attendees. 

Local                               

Stop Maligning the Peaceful Pit Bull 

JASPER'S FOLLY, TX  -  A news item crossed my desk recently, regarding the banning of Pit Bulls from certain beaches.

I expected it to be in California, but it was in Rio.  Same difference.

Hardly a day goes by, it seems, where you don't hear someone talking about how violent Pit Bulls are, and crying about some child or elderly victim of a vicious attack.

Let me say, Pit Bulls don't kill people, people get killed by Pit Bulls.  These are highly trained animals whose only purpose in life is to kill.  So only a moron would let an old or young person near one.

I certainly know that.  My pit, Skuller, mauled my entire family last year.  Now it's just him and me.  If you were to take him away, think how lonely I'd be?  But then, why don't you just try and take him away?

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For Sale:  Sleeveless t-shirt.  Mildly used.  Sweet image of a Harley on front.

For Sale:  Manfred Dingfellows Quartet Sings Live in Shelbyville Middle School Auditorium (audio tape). 

Madame Bovine could have told you Bewitched was going to be bad, even if she wasn't psychic. 

Lost: Group of angry hornets.  I think they escaped from my bag at the mall, judging by the screams.    

MWM - Seeking mistress who wants to set up an apartment where I can come and veg out and watch a lot of TV.

For Sale:  X-ray vision glasses.  See people naked!  Where I live, this is more of a curse than anything.  Make an offer. 

Many of the children who attended Hitchhiker's camp have apparently extended their "exploring America" activities.  Per the small print, you'll need to track them down yourself.

Notice:  I don't set my pies out to cool for people to steal.  Maybe these last three pies were just a misunderstanding on your part.  Then again, maybe all the raw mouse I put in them was a misunderstanding on my part.

Susan:  Sorry, I was drunk.  Why did you have to say something to Jim?  You know I was kidding about running away, right?  Unless you just wanted us to fight so that you would have an excuse to leave Jim.  

For Sale:  Home-made Pokeymon set.  Several great cards with unbelievable powers, mostly involving gassy discharges.