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Sandra Day O'Connor Suddenly Retires

WASHINGTON, DC - In a shocking judicial development, Justice Sandra Day O'Connor announced that she is quitting the Supreme Court to pursue her lifetime dream of "just chilling out."

Some of the Justices claim O'Connor checked out years ago..

"I've really enjoyed judging people, and I'm sure I'll miss it," said an emotional O'Connor in the parking lot of a Chili's.  "But there comes a time when you're just sick of hearing about problems, with people arguing back and forth all the time, like a bunch of children really.  I knew I had to retire when I started spanking counselors."

The battle over Bush's nomination of a replacement has already heated up, with republicans and democrats swearing they will work together by doing everything possible to make sure no one gets their way.

Senator Specter has said he will support any qualified candidate who thinks exactly as he does, while Kennedy vowed he would be drunk throughout any debates.

Cruise's Insanity Not An Issue at the Box Office

LOS ANGELES, CA - In spite of much speculation that Tom Cruise's recent manic behavior would damage the commercial success of his movies, War of the Worlds managed to rake in four hundred kazillion dollars in the first weekend.

Some claimed his appearance on Oprah Winfrey, where he made sweet, sweet love to the couch, along with a couple interviews in which he claimed that Hitler is the father not just of modern psychiatry, but the actual biological father of every single psychiatrist, would turn movie goers away.

These claims were, of course, silly.  The public doesn't care how insane a celebrity is.  There are still people buying Michael Jackson music, right?

Columns                                      

Christobol - Independence Day

Gertrude Sez

Canadian Sex Killer Released; Will Wed Gay Pot Growing Sister

TORONTO, CANADA - Karla Homolka, who helped torture, rape, and kill two twelve year old school girls twelve years ago, was released from Canadian prison, having fully repaid society.

"I like Canada, because there are so few things that are actually illegal here," said Karla..

Karla plans to marry her sister, Karla II, in a naked ceremony in downtown Toronto.  There will be marijuana party favors for the first three hundred guests to arrive, and then everyone will streak to a nearby lake, where the reception orgy is planned. 

Local                               

Estonians Must Be Cheating in the Whole Wife Carrying Competition 

SONKAJARVI, FINLAND  -  For the eighth straight year, Estonians ran away with the wife-carrying world championship.

I've never watched a race, but I have seen some pictures.  For one thing, it looks more like a running "69" than any sort of race, not that there's anything wrong with that.

But what's the deal?  Are Estonian women really light?  Do Estonian men take sterioids?  Are Estonian's more closely related to our woman whacking pre-historic brethren?  

I don't know.  I didn't look it up.  Oh, here's a question:  Are any other countries even entering this competition?

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Madame Bovine now accepts all competitors coupons, even for onion rings. 

Lost: That last hand of rummy.  I blame Udell.    

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Notice:  If you're the one sneaking into my pasture and tipping my cows, you should know that I am camping out there with a high powered pellet gun, and I will put your eye out for you, pal.

Susan:  Please marry me.  I know you never really loved my brother, so why continue the charade?  How much caviar can a girl eat?  Let's run away in my RV, when I get it running again.

Dear Gayle:  All my love, all my kissing, you don't know what you've been missing.  But don't worry, I made a tape.