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Scientists Discover Virus That Cures Everything

WASHINGTON, DC - The Centers for the Advanced Study of Alternate Treatment Protocols Involving Gerbils announced the discovery of a cure for all known maladies on Tuesday.

Honorary member and mullet enthusiast Jennifer Wilbanks was the celebrity guest scientist who made the startling announcement.

"It started when Garth Lymphnuckle was injecting an Ebola strain into one of our Gerbils who we had trained to smoke seven packs of cigarettes a day," read Wilbanks.  "Spanky, that's what we call Garth, next noted that the Gerbil was cancer free.  This visual determination was verified upon closer inspection using a magnifying glass."

That was just the beginning.  Lymphnuckle then injected the Ebola strain into a Gerbil who had been fed nothing but McDonalds for six years.  Again, careful smelling revealed no trace of heart disease.  

"Conservatively speaking, we believe we've found a cure for everything," continued Wilbanks.  "While the FDA is notorious for dragging its feet, especially on cures based on injecting Gerbils with a virus that kills them within hours, we feel certain that we'll have a wonder drug approved for human consumption within a week."

Spurs Are NBA Champs Again

SAN ANTONIO, TX - It was the first Game 7 of an NBA finals in about twenty years.  To call this a close match-up is the understatement of the week.

Mathematically speaking, San Antonio won four games to Detroit's three.  That's just one more.  Had they played 49 games, San Antonio would have won 28 to Detroit's 21, which would seem like more of a spread.  

Granted, it took long enough that some may think they did play 49 games, but they only played seven.

In the end, it was too much making baskets by San Antonio against too much missing baskets by Detroit.  When the final quarter of the final game came around, Detroit found itself unable to end up with a higher score, and many feel that was the key to losing the game.

Columns                                      

Christobol - Championship Fever

Gertrude Sez

Canada Announces It Is Pulling Its Troop Out of Oregon

OTTAWA, CANADA - In a rare public appearance, Jean Luc Picard, head of Canada's World Domination Enterprise, announced that Canada would be pulling its troop from Oregon.

Bob "Bobby" Falcone has been stationed in Oregon for twenty three years.  His mission was to find social, economic, political, or military means of capturing the territory of Oregon for the Canadian homeland.

Bobby Falcone - would be territorial administrator of Oregon for Canada.

"After over twenty years of investigation," said Picard, "we must reach the conclusion that Oregon can not so easily be annexed by Canada.  The hard work by Bobby Falcone, who has tirelessly worked undercover at an abandoned truck stop for two decades, will not be forgotten, even though it came to nothing."

Picard angrily denied claims that the project was being scrapped due to the discovery that Falcone had been selling information to Mexico, another country that has long had its eye on Oregon.  

Local                               

Local Man to Walk to Austin 

WACO, TX  -  Eugene Bitterhat has never been one to sit idly in the face of injustice.  It's no surprise, then, that he's walking to Austin this week.

It all started when the Sanitation Department refused to pick up a couch he had dragged out to the alley.  According to Mayor Ford, there are two special pickup days a year where citizens can dispose of such "large ticket" items.

Bitterhat believes that is absurd.  "You tell my couch to wait until November to give out!  Go ahead!"  

He's bringing his case to the governor, if he doesn't die of exposure along the way.

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Notice:  The Four Pillars of Erectitude's Youth Group has moved its camping trip to Gene Sweatnik's back yard.  Children should bring their own sleeping bag and a snack to share with a hobo.

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