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Concerned Citizens File Suit Against Potato Chips

LOS ANGELES, CA - A group of activist health watchers led by Mr. Salty president James Salty has filed a petition with the California attorney general's office asking that they require potato chip manufacturers to add a warning to their product packages.

Among other things, the group requested that all potato chip manufacturers be forced to use the above image to market all their products.

"The fact is, these death merchants have been given a free ride for far too long.  The public deserves to know that they are being poisoned by ruthless corporate jerks who care nothing for their health."

Mr. Salty is referring to acrylamide, a substance formed when starchy foods are fried or baked, and which has been shown to cause cancer in laboratory rats when added to their cigars.  

When asked about acrylamide levels in his pretzel products, Mr. Salty said "there probably aren't any, and if they are, they are rendered neutral by our patented saltification process I'm sure.  Anyway, this is about chips, the deadly snack food that leads to instant blindness and unsightly facial blemishes."

Spurs Take Game Five in Best Finals In Recent History

DETROIT, MI - Some so called media pundits would have had you believe that this was a down year for the NBA finals.

They would talk about the lack of star power, the probability of low scoring, and the difficulty of drumming up interest in "small market" teams who lack even one player currently facing felony charges.

But they would be wrong.  After four blowouts leaving the teams knotted at two games a piece, featuring a momentum switch so drastic that it left many queasy, especially in the San Antonio region, the Spurs won an overtime game 5 that will go down in history as the very best game 5 between the Spurs and Pistons in NBA finals history.

Big Shot Bob, as they call Robert Horry, sank the game winning basket to cap a scoring spree of 713 over a three minute span.  It was the 400th game Horry has won in this fashion, the first coming during the Civil War.

Columns                                      

Christobol - Father's Day

Gertrude Sez

Iran Holds Completely Legitimate Election, Almost

TEHRAN, IRAN - In a much anticipated and controvercial election, Iranians went to the polls to select a new president.

Many had criticized the electoral process over the past months, pointing out that over seventy kajillion reform candidates were not allowed on the ballot.  Some Iranians boycotted the election, while others simply forgot what day it was on.

Reform votes are "tallied" by an Iranian ballot machine.

None of those allowed to run achieved a majority of over 50%, so the top two candidates, who both happen to be hard liners completely out of step with the majority of Iran's young voting population, will have a run-off.

Meanwhile, Iranian election officials have promised to recount some of the votes where video revealed the military had used the unofficial tabulation method of burning the ballots.  

Local                               

The Whole So-Called All-Star Voting System Totally Rigged

WAYNE'S THIGH, CO  -  Once again a fine season of girl's youth softball has come to a close, and once again the final games will be played under a cloud of controvercy.

Anyone who watched the games this year knows that Shelly Brandlesputz did not have a very good season.  She struggled at the plate, often striking out with runners in scoring position, and the number of times she took a pop fly in the chin is too many to recount here.

So why is she on All-Stars?  Could it be because her dad is a big-shot doctor who paid for the painting of the bleachers?  

Some argue it's just the right thing to do, since Shelly has only twelve days left to live, but I say tell that to Julie Crabmink, who was left off the team in spite of having a better season.

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