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Dean May Be Crazy Like A Fox, Or Just Crazy

WASHINGTON, DC - Howard Dean, who was a favorite for the Democratic nomination for President in 2004 until he completely freaked out in Iowa, has wasted little time completely freaking out as the newly anointed head of the Democratic National Party.

Several key DNC members have asked Dean to quit smiling so much, as polls have shown it creeps potential voters out.

In an attempt to reach out to moderate Republicans over the last week, Dean has tried to get out the message that "no Republican has ever done an honest day's work ever ever ever" and "you have to be a white Christian to join the Republican party, so I could get in, but I don't want to, even though I could."  

Rather than retreat from such statements under the ensuing firestorm, Dean reached out even more, saying that "Republican women are ugly and infertile.  That's why they get their babies from the space aliens, the same place their husbands get their plans for the economy and social security."

Spurs Cruising Over Pistons In Very Exciting Finals for the 11 People Who Are Watching

SAN ANTONIO, TX - First the Spurs beat the Suns, who were the highest scoring and winningest team from the 2004-05 season.  They also had the leagues MPV and hairiest point guard in Steve Nash.

Then Detroit sent the Miami Heat packing.  The Heat sported the league's most popular draw in Shaquille "Thigh Master" O'Neal and most exciting youngster in Dwyane "Yes Dwyane" Wade.

So even though this year's finals pits the two most recent champions against one another, many worried that the general public outside of San Antonio and Detroit would tune out.  Who wants to watch two teams known for defense with no superstars duke it out, they openly wondered.

Judging from the Neilson ratings from the first two games, which San Antonio won easily when Detroit failed to score a single point, there are at least 11 people who care.

Columns                                      

Christobol - An Eye for Dirt

Gertrude Sez

Can Somebody Tell the Brits to Shut Up?

LONDON, ENGLAND - First it was the minutes of the Downing Street Meeting, which insinuated that the United States had already decided to invade Iraq and depose Saddam Hussein as of April of 1934.

Now it's a memo prepared for Prime Minister Tony Blair in preparation for that meeting, which indicates that British intelligence was concerned that the United States had not adequately planned for the aftermath of the inevitable Iraqi war, and that said aftermath might very well end up occurring.

Got a secret?  Here's a bad place to go tell it.

White House spokes model Ari Fleischer had no comment, but he did say:  "Look, it's all false, what they're saying.  First of all, there's that, the falseness.  Beyond that, you really have to wonder how there can be so many leaks over there, even though the leaks are not important, since the information is false, but still."  

Local                               

Kids Are Hanging Out Just Doing Nothing Way Too Much Already

FORK BEND, WI  -  Maybe it's just me, but these kids with no dadgum responsibility just whiling away their days loitering all over town are about to drive me nuts!

When I was a boy, summer "break" meant time to break your back mending fences, milking free range goats, and building sheds to store old tools and enormous spiders.

By the time July was half over, you couldn't find a kid who wasn't ready for school to start back up!

But today, these kids are just roaming around, with spending money that falls from the sky, and nothing better to do than make fun of my bald spot.

It ain't right. 

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For Sale:  Jack of Diamonds.  It's from a blue deck.  $6 OBO.  Act now and I'll throw in the Four of Diamonds, but it's not from the same deck.

Seeking: Those depression curing vitamins Tom Cruise is talking about. 

Madame Bovine could have told you your fly was open before you went into that big meeting.  Why didn't you call?  Or at least check your fly? 

Lost: My fancy four color pen.  The red and green weren't working any more, but the blue is all good.  What was that other color, purple?   

SWF - Just broke up with my boyfriend.  He spent too much time with his bike gang.  I'm looking for a nice guy to help me make him jealous.  Best if you have full dental.

For Sale:  Asbestos.  By the bag or handful.  Make an offer. 

Notice:  I am still boycotting Jim's Fancy Pretzels until he admits he failed to give me a full serving of cheese two weeks ago.  If you saw me eating one, that's because my friend Carl bought it for me.  My boycott only covers the purchase of the pretzel, not the consumption.

Found: Someone's pet, well, I'm guessing it was a possum or something.  By the time I found it, it had been smooshed into the pavement pretty good.  Still, I know what it's like to lose a pet, so I scraped it up as best I could and put it in a bag.  Call me if you'd like to claim the remains.

Seeking:  Undoctored photographic evidence that Elvis Presley is alive and well and living in Des Moines.  

For Sale:  Drawing of a new superhero - "Dog Man."  Due to a dog bite, he grows a tail.  You know, you could make him a sidekick I guess.