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Jackson Jury to Judge Justice of Jail

SANTA BARBARA, CA - They've heard about the sleepovers at the Neverland Ranch.  They've heard about the alarm system in the bedroom.  They've heard about the games of "Tickle Me Michael" in bed, clad only in underwear, after a bit of wine.

The ex-King of Pop has suffered back pain and a case of face implosion as his oft cut nose desperately seeks material to maintain its existence.

For long-time fans, these stories simply point out the quirky nature of their chart smashing hero.  They point to flaws in the victim's parents, and paint Jackson as the billionaire pawn in the master plot of a couple seventh grade educated grifters.

Perhaps it's Jackson's gullibility that got him into all this trouble, after all.  Why didn't he listen to his friend, Chris Rock, when he told him to "watch out" for the accuser's family?  When Chris said, "Jacko, these people are after your money, man!  So you may want to quit diddling the kids!" why didn't Michael heed the warning?

As they say, "None are so blind as those who will not see, because they have a little boy's pants on their head."

Nearly 11 Million Copies of Rowling's New Harry Potter Book Printed

NEW YORK, NY - When they finally go on sale in July, bookstores will be ready, or so hope the people at Scholastic, the U.S. publisher of the ever popular Harry Potter series.

Demand is such that already 10.8 million copies have been printed.  To put that into perspective, if you had to read all those copies, you couldn't.  Although, who would be able to tell?  You could just read it once and then claim to have read it all those other times.

Still, Moby Dick is required reading in hundreds of high schools and colleges across America, and only four copies of Melville's classic tale were sold between 1994 and 2005, three of those at yard sales.

Additional interest in this installment was generated when Rowling revealed that a major character dies.  In spite of a manuscript theft last week in England, the identity of the stiff remains a mystery.  I think it'll be Darth Binks.

Columns                                      

Christobol - Magic Pants

Gertrude Sez

Hezbollah Win Highlights Problem With Democracy

BEIRUT, LEBANON - Just when the U.S. was ready to celebrate another victory of democracy over tyranny, a bunch of terrorists go and get themselves elected.

Hezbollah, labeled a terrorist group by the U.S. and ordered to disarm by U.N. Resolution 1559 (which contains the usual threat "or else we'll pass more resolutions!"),  took all 23 seats in parliamentary elections.

The "Get Out The Vote at Gunpoint" rallies really paid off.

White House spokesmodel Ari Fleischer was visibly upset as the poll results came in, at one point shouting "Oh whatEVER!" and throwing a bowl of chili pie at the screen.  "This is the problem with letting stupid people vote!" he shouted, as he stomped away.  

Local                               

High School Yearbook Scandal Demands Administrative Action

WAXAHACHIE, TX  -  It's been a week, and still no heads have rolled.

Everyone in town is talking about the latest publication of the high school yearbook, in which a photograph of honor society students identified one young lady only as "Black Girl."

It's made news from coast to coast, and even in other countries.  Everywhere, people are making fun of the backwards Klansmen from Waxahachie.  It's time for the superintendent to take some action, and by action I mean firing everyone at the high school.

It's beside the point that it turns out the young lady really is named "Black Girl."  Editors should have put a note in there letting us know that or something. 

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