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Danica Patrick's Bid to Become First "Female" Indy Winner Falls Short

INDIANAPOLIS, IN - For weeks leading up to the most famous automobile race in North America, all media attention was focused on Danica Patrick.  The driver, who steers a car in circles for the Rahal-Letterman team, had hoped to make Indy racing history by becoming the first woman to win the event.

Could the pretty pretty pink bow have cost Patrick precious seconds?

While some analysts felt the diminutive rookie had a great chance in the race, particularly because she "wouldn't be above stopping to ask directions," others dismissed this notion since the race really consists of a 500 mile left turn.

Regardless, WeeklyNewz feels the Indy folks are the gullible victims of a fairly transparent hoax.  Anyone who watches ESPN's Sports Center has heard of Dan Patrick, who has been on the show for years.  It's no secret that Dan likes to drive, and has often been known to use a vehicle.

Is anyone fooled by the addition of "ica"?  Apparently the struggling Indy racing league will buy anything if it brings attention to their race.

Viagra Now Helps the Limp and Oversighted

En Gorge, CA - New hope for men who have difficulty obtaining or maintaining an erection and can see it only too well emerged this week as the makers of Viagra announced a vision reduction breakthrough.

"In some cases, we're seeing loss of vision within hours of taking the drug, often with a stiffy that lasts for hours, days, even weeks," said company spokesman Hugh Johnson.  He admitted that the attack on the eyes was a happy coincidence, but was quick to point out that such incidents are common in pharmaceutical science.

"The smallpox vaccine was originally a bowel ointment, after all," said Johnson, who bristled at the notion that a blindness warning should appear on the drug's label.  

"I'm sure there were some who wanted the smallpox vaccine pulled when it was shown to cause genital implosion, but then where would all those smallpox sufferers have been?"

Columns                                      

Christobol - Memorial Day

Gertrude Sez

France Snubs European Union As World Feigns Surprise

PARIS, FRANCE - In what could only have been a shock to the criminally dumb, French voters refused to ratify the constitution of the European Union this weekend. 

The world famous Big Jim's Pizza of Paris

This in spite of embarrassing pleas by French President and unskilled mime Jacques Chirac on French television and at theme parks in the weeks leading up to the vote.  Some analysts believe the rejection was not so much one of the EU Constitution itself, which it was, but rather a statement by French citizens of their increasing dissatisfaction with the economy under current leadership.

The truth is, however, that the French are a prickly folk who rarely pass an opportunity to reject something or someone, especially foreigners.  

Local                               

Is Our Circus Getting Lamer?

FLACCID BOUNTY, KY  -  The Boones Farm Circus and Taste-O-Rama is upon us once again, and it's not just me who notes a pronounced lack of excitement in the air.

There was a time when people would plan their early summer calendars around this event, and Flaccid Bounty would be overflowing with tourists driving from as far away as Cooter County, and that's more than forty five minutes depending upon traffic.

Now, even some locals express doubts they'll attend.  I think it's because the circus has lost its way.  Where we once featured drunk men attempting to shoot one another from a replica civil war cannon, we now must suffer through third graders trying to juggle.  Enough with the kids.  Bring back those hilarious inebriated men!

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