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Legislators Discuss Deal on Filibuster Provisions As Nation Looks On With Deep And Abiding Interest

WASHINGTON, DC - Lawmakers have been working feverishly, often almost until lunch, hoping to strike a compromise on the remaining Bush nominees for federal judge positions in order to avoid a vote that could change Senate protocols regarding the use of filibuster in certain circumstances.

As one might imagine, not since the last two close presidential elections shone a spotlight on our largely unknown electoral college system has America been so gripped that it nearly paid attention.

A rare picture of what might be a filibuster in the wild.

As you obviously don't know, unless you are a foreign correspondent paid to look up such information, filibusters are one of the strategies implemented by the minority party in the U.S. Senate in order to blah blah blah blah blah.

The point is, blah blah blah, and if a compromise is not reached, our legislative process may be forever blah blah blah.

NEWSWEEK Announces New Policy Regarding Made Up Stories

WASHINGTON, DC - After an embarrassing week in which the magazine first backed off, then retracted, then denied a story regarding abuse of the Koran by American interrogators, Newsweek has announced a new guidelines for publishing stories made up by writers' cousins.

In such stories, the use of anonymous sources whose credentials are described as "like way up there in some sort of government agency" will now require the permission of a senior editor.  If such sources information cannot be independently verified by press deadlines, the magazine has indicated that it will call the White House and ask for permission to print.

Along with presenting these new guidelines, Newsweek apologized to those who may have been upset or killed by their little mistake, and offered discount subscriptions to anyone who could prove they directly died as a result of the magazine's fumble.

The White House hailed this as "a good start" but indicated that Newsweek should do more.  "Maybe these dead folks should be entered into some sort of lottery for an appliance," said one spokesman.

Columns                                      

Christobol - Bargain Hunting

Gertrude Sez

Shocking Images Shock The World

BAGHDAD, IRAQ - The debate over what images may and may not be run in respectable news outlets in regards to rat bastard mass murderers raged this week as The Sun ran candid prison photos involving Saddam Hussein. 

This is exactly the kind of photo that we here at WeeklyNewz simply will not run.  Ever..

While The Sun argued that the world has a right and a need to know what Saddam looks like in prison in underwear, human rights observers indicated qualms about invasion of privacy, and expressed concern over widespread vomiting. 

Local                               

Darth Vader Thwarted At Big Town 4

ARID CREEK, SC  -  If you're like everyone else in the county, you were lined up at the Big Town 4 to see the final Star Wars installment: The Revenge of the Sith this weekend.

You couldn't find a parking space within fifty feet of the theater, that's for sure!  

But what you may not know is that someone from Gaylord's Bends nearly spoiled the fun for all of us Friday night.  

He showed up for the 10pm showing in full Darth Vader regalia.  That was the first sign that something was awry.  People might wear costumes to movies in New York City, but that's just not the way here in Arid Creek!  Apparently, he thought that being the only one in costume entitled him to cut in line!

The Kamford brothers took care of that misunderstanding in short order, with a tire iron and some brass knuckles.  I tell you what, there was no way they were buying their own popcorn after that!

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Note:  If you lack the coordination to follow the pattern and instructions I provided to beat the first apple grid on Pac-Man, that sounds like a personal problem to me.  In no frikken way will I refund your $2,300, bucko. 

Seeking: Maybe it was the other sister of that girl who lives on the hill.   

Madame Bovine would like to wish you a Happy Thanksgiving!  Yes, Madame Bovine is fully aware that it is only May and that Thanksgiving is in November.  It's just that, well, many of you will be dead by then.  Perhaps you don't want to know?  Good idea, I'm sure you'll feel better having paid those bills right before you croak.  Idiot. 

Lost: My finger.  Please check your meal.    

SWF, HEY!  PAY ATTENTION TO ME!  MY STORY CAN NOT BE OVER YET!

For quality control purposes, pictures of you naked are being sent to your friends.  No wait, that was for a prank.  We don't really care about quality control. 

For Sale: Ad space on my butt.  A new spot just opened up, along with a rule.  I will not staple live animals to my butt.  Thank you.

Found: Atlantis.  It's a strip joint.

Seeking:  High quality photos of Ricardo Montalbon wearing Corinthian Leather.  

For Sale:  Generic can of tomato soup.  I didn't open it or anything, I just don't want it.  I paid forty cents, will take twenty.