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Star Wars Episode B12.24 R1 Debuts at Cannes

CANNES, FRANCE - The latest Star Wars installment, The Revenge of the Nerdsiths was the talk of the festival in Cannes.  Fans were so excited at the prospect of finally seeing the show that several of them spontaneously combusted, or were killed for their seats, it's hard to say.

One thing is sure, a lot of money is going to be made on this film.  Part of that will be due to ticket sales, and some for cleverly marketed toys, and then I think they mark up popcorn quite a bit, frankly.  This year's best selling toy is likely to be an actual light saber that allows your child to mortally wound insects, using only the force, and the plastic blade thingy.

Of the 146 minutes of the movie, 128 are taken up with the slow transformation of jedis into rats, a plot twist that is never really addressed in the other 18 minutes, which are Jar-Jar Binks related.

"A lot of fans are truly going to hate this installment," said Lucas.  "But I had a story to tell, and frankly all this fighting over the galaxy was interfering with what I thought was a clever bit of social commentary as jedis became rats.  It speaks to the way we have all turned our inner jedis into rats, I think."

Dave Chappelle Holds Press Conference to Announce He Is Not Crazy

NEW YORK, NY - After disappearing to South Africa when he was due to shoot his Comedy Central television show and checking himself into an insane asylum, Dave Chappelle announced that he is not crazy.

He did mention that he hears voices a lot, and has taken to wearing oversized grandmother underwear stuffed with pudding.  However, he attributes this behavior to a natural response to stress.

Chappelle also announced that he has no drug problems, and is not currently on crack.  While he had everyone's attention, he thought it best to assure fans that he is not a lesbian having Barbara Streisand's baby, either.  Actually, he failed to address that rumor, but he didn't look pregnant to me.

Columns                                      

Christobol - Time To Tee It Up

Gertrude Sez

Mexican President Fox Puts Whole Leg in Mouth

MEXICO CITY, MEXICO - Frustrated in his efforts to get U.S. Legislators to relax immigration laws, President Vicente Fox defended illegal aliens by saying that they, "are doing jobs that not even blacks want to do there in the United States."  

Fox's handlers claim his racist gaffe was caused by the fact that he was becoming a rat that day.

Unsurprisingly, this comment was not well received around the world.  It was not helped when Fox first attempted to amend his remarks, saying that he had meant to reference jobs even Indians wouldn't want. 

Local                               

Quality Control Lacking At Area Fast Food Joints

TRIPE BUTTE, AZ  -  I'm sure you've all heard about the lady who faked finding a finger in a Wendy's meal.  The initial shock was replaced by relief as we learned that our chances of getting a finger in our meals at Wendy's were not particularly high, though our chances of meeting the kind of person who puts a human finger into her food are pretty good.

But then we heard about the guy who found a finger in his custard, and it was not a fake incident.  

You may be thinking: "Nothing like that can happen here in Tripe Butte!"  Well, I hate to tell you, you may be wrong.

I spoke with several fast food workers in the area, and they largely agreed that finding a severed finger in your food would hardly be worse than what they normally put in there.  Sometimes it's spite, sometimes it's boredom.  Heck, sometimes it's even an accident.  Whatever the cause, most workers agree that the quality of your food would not be adversely affected if you dropped it into a toilet at a truck stop.

Still, it's so darned tasty what can we do but shovel it into our mouths as fast as we can buy it?

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Found:  My notes on how to defeat the first apple grid on Pac-Man.  I don't really need them, since I haven't played for twenty years.  If you'd like them, please send $2,300 to me. 

Seeking: The sister of that girl who lives on the hill. 

Madame Bovine now accepts burritos as a form of payment. 

Lost: That loving feeling.  No wait, here it is.    

SWF, Loves travel by bus, shopping without paying, and the undivided attention of the entire world.

For quality control purposes, this ad may be recorded. 

For Sale: Ad space on my butt.  I plan to streak at the 4H fair in June.  So far I've only sold two spots, so there is PLENTY of space left for your ad.  Don't miss out.

Found: That farm where all the puppies go to run around and frolic.  It's a LIE!

Seeking:  Third season of The Love Boat on VHS.  This is when they followed that story line with Gopher, I think.  Also, some of the guests experienced exciting and new romance.

Don't hate me because I'm beautiful.  Hate me because I systematically destroyed everything you ever cared for.  You dope.