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Gasoline Prices Plummet to $2.21 Per Gallon

NEW YORK - Gasoline prices fell for the second week in a row, this time just over three cents per gallon.  In what oil industry analysts are calling a serious cash crisis, the cost of fueling the average American automobile has dropped to under $4,300 a week.

An emergency meeting of the "Big 5", a social club consisting of top executives for Exxon, Mobil, Texaco, Amoco, and Earl's Gas 'N Go, saw several shaken executives scrambling for answers.

If crude prices continue their free fall, station owners will have no choice but to cut corners, perhaps not even bothering to mow their drives.

"I have a family to feed, and six mortgages to pay, not including the condos.  I simply can't afford to see people paying just $2.21 per gallon, and I know my colleagues are in the same boat," said Tex "Tex" Crampster, Chief Price Gouger for the Big 5.

What seems like good news for consumers, who not only get to pay less at the pump, but who see price drops in almost every product, as well as air travel, can be a nightmare for those who have become accustomed to making billions of dollars per week.

"Let's face it," continued Tex.  "If you're a housewife driving a Suburban, you can use the extra fifty or sixty bucks a week in fuel savings, and the other twenty five or so dollars per week on grocery savings is nice too.  But you multiply that eighty by the fifty million customers I soak per week, and you've created a whole in my budget I'm not going to be able to fill."

The group plans to run ads showing terrorists buying gas for less than $2.46 per gallon, with the message: If you see someone buying gas cheap, kill them!  They are probably a terrorist.

Major League Baseball Announces That It Is Not Investigating Bonds

NEW YORK, NY - Baseball spokesman Rick Levin announced that the league is not investigating San Francisco Giant slugger Barry Bonds, who holds the record for most home runs in a single season at 6,324.

Rumors of steroid use have dogged Bonds for years, peaking last summer when he took several at bats against the Cincinnati Reds while hooked to a rolling IV cart.  His muscle mass that day was just over seven kilotons, and he went nine for nine, all home runs that left earth's atmosphere.

Still, league sources stand by Bonds' denial of steroid usage, and claim to simply be monitoring ongoing  investigations the federal government is conducting involving tax fraud.  Apparently, Bonds failed to pay taxes on over $6,000,000 worth of human growth hormone, which he claims to have purchased by mistake, and then lost. 

Columns                                      

Christobol - Yo Mama

Gertrude Sez

Bush, Putin Make Nice for The Cameras

MOSCOW, RUSSIA - After a couple days of bashing the Russians for bullying their neighborhood following World War II, Bush paid a visit to Vladimir Putin in Moscow.  Putin had made some disparaging replies to Bush over the last several days, often even doing an impersonation of Bush as a blind dwarf with a hamster fetish, to the delight of local media. 

This picture clearly shows that Putin might have a doll dressed up as Bush in his left hand.

With so much dirty laundry aired in the days leading up to the meeting, pundits openly wondered whether the two leaders might challenge one another to a dance-off when they got together.

Instead, Bush praised Putin for doing a pretty good job combing his hair, and Putin complimented Bush for having an entertaining wife. 

Local                               

Soccer League Really Kicking

CORN VALLEY, WI  -  After a couple weeks freezing ourselves on the sidelines while our children were subjected to gulag style playing conditions, we finally got a decent weekend of soccer in.

Most parents I spoke to agreed on Saturday that it sure would have been nice if this had been the first games of the season.  Then maybe Gladys Pimple wouldn't be in the hospital with a broken hip.  Try to tell me she didn't fall because she was weakened by that first damp and cold Saturday.  Go ahead.

You'll have as much luck convincing me as I had trying to get league president and know-it-all Jean Fatsma to order wool jerseys for the kids.  Too itchy she claimed.  I'd rather itch than lose a limb to frost bite, is what I say.

But three weeks of lousy weather couldn't spoil Saturday.  The Stingers and Poodles got it started at 9am.  Granted, that's too early to be playing anything, but those six year olds were gamely out there anyway.  The first three goals went to the Stingers, all by Johnny Poofta.  Of course, if he's six I'm the Queen of England, but whatever. 

The Poodles fought back to within one goal on Jenny Shackley's goal with just over five minutes remaining in the game, but never could tie it.  Still, I felt good for Jenny, who must have a hard time finding happiness what with having such a slut for a mother.  You can't help but wonder if the Poodles lost because of Jenny's mother's promiscuity.  Oh well, I guess we should be happy she didn't show up to the game naked.

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