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Jennifer Wilbanks Is A Piece of Work, I Tell Ya

ATLANTA, GA - Jennifer Wilbanks returned home after taking a little bus ride to Albuquerque.  She had planned to get married in an ornate wedding on Saturday, but had decided at the last minute to go on a trip instead.

Her family had spent just under $100 million preparing for the nuptials, in which all of North America was supposed to participate as a bridesmaid, groomsman, or bondage mime.

Hey honey, on the way back from your jog, would you pick up a sack of severed squirrel heads?

With such a large and elaborate event closing in, it is entirely understandable that Jennifer became increasingly nervous, experts agreed.  Still, they are unanimous in condemning her decision to run away without telling anyone, allowing a manhunt to last for several days, concocting an abduction story, and biting the heads off of several hundred baby seals.

In spite of all that has happened, Jennifer's fiancé John Mason, who was subjected to a lie detector test and being caged with a flatulent emu for several hours, has yet to announce that he'll have nothing to do with her.  Worse yet, he did not object when she announced that the wedding has only been delayed, rather than cancelled.

"Everyone is entitled to make a mistake," said John.  It was not clear whether he was speaking about Jennifer's running off and putting everyone who cared about her, and several who do not, through hell for days, or to his plans to go ahead and marry the psycho.

Bush Urges Congress to Prepare Social Security Legislation by August

WASHINGTON, DC - During a prime time press conference this week, President Bush urged the United States Congress to put partisan considerations aside for long enough to pass a Republican plan to save the social security program.

"I will listen to any ideas, provided they're mine," said Bush.  "With all these baby boomers fixing to retire, and many of them looking like they may live way past any concept of usefulness, we have got to do something to fix the system."

Bush went on to lay out a strategy whereby anyone who is wealthy enough to have paid into the system will not get anything back.  To soften the blow, he offered a voluntary stock option, whereby workers could invest part of their social security withholdings in a Federal Ponzi Scheme.  "With this in place, if John Mason is fortunate enough to have Jennifer die early, there might be something he gets left with, other than the label of biggest idiot in Georgia."

Columns                                      

Christobol - I Do

Gertrude Sez

North Korea Tests Short Range Missile

NORTH KOREA - Kim Jong Il remains pretty upset about having a girl's name.  In his latest compensation, he tested a short range missile, landing it in the Sea of Japan.

If good fences make good neighbors, North Korea believes showing you can throw stuff over those fences may make great neighbors.

The United States has been pursuing multilateral talks to pressure North Korea into abandoning its nuclear aspirations.  For its part, North Korea has said it doesn't see what the big deal is if it wants to blow up the world.

Even with China, Russia, England, and Japan joining the United States in urging North Korea to find some other way to show how big and strong it is, the diplomatic approach has been unsuccessful.

Still, even with so little progress, this missile test is considered a major setback.  White House Chief of Staff and Head Bingo Caller Andrew Card commented that Kim Jong Il "may well have been concerned that Jennifer Wilbanks would try to come to North Korea if he didn't do something." 

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Area Volunteers Would Just As Soon Have Found Her Dead

DULUTH, GA  -  When Jennifer Wilbanks went missing last Tuesday, there was hardly a person in town who was not doing something to try and bring her home safely.

Of course all the police were looking for her, and they were assisted by an army of volunteers.  The roads were searched, the woods were searched, the sewers were searched.  Old Mack Myers even had folks dig up his back yard on a hunch, though his installation of a pool on Thursday left some folks feeling suspicious ill used.

Even those who were not actively helping search did their part.  Food and drinks were donated, churches arranged special prayer services, and some folks even tied yellow ribbons around things.  How that is supposed to help, I'm not sure, but it is always done.

Of course, it turned out that Jennifer was just on a little joy ride across several states on a fancy Greyhound bus.  I'm sure many of us would have preferred to take a vacation this week, had we not been so busy looking for her!

A poll of those involved in the search revealed most would have preferred to find her grisly remains in a culvert than to have it turn out she had misled them.  "At least then I'd have something to show for those wasted days," said one searcher.  "Still, I reckon I'll go to the wedding if they have it, and there's an open bar."

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Found:  Your fiancé.  She was just hiding in Albuquerque.  No big deal. 

Seeking: A girl who will show up for the wedding.  Blinking optional. 

Madame Bovine could have told you where Jennifer was at any time, had you but called.  Of course you didn't.  You'd rather follow a dog around.  A dog!  Well, serves you right.  

Lost: Any idea why I thought I wanted to marry John.  I'm way better looking than him, for one.  Plus he's really started to fart a lot more.  Is that normal?    

SWM, I'm sort of engaged, but the wedding has been postponed.  My situation is such that I can do whatever I want and my fiancé can't say boo about it.

You know what?  Fine!  Don't send me your money.  It's not like I need it.  I'll be the one laughing about how you could have gotten in on this opportunity.  You'll be the one crying.  Just you remember that.  Okay?

For Sale: Place in line to get tickets to see Sesame Street on Ice.  Fine, I was in the wrong line.  I don't have a great spot in the Star Wars line.  Still, Big Bird on ice is not really something you want to miss.

Found: The first thirty-six issues of Playboy magazine.  These are in pristine condition.  Not surprising, really, since nobody is naked.

Brenda, I didn't see you at Frank's House of Chicken on Friday.  I waited until around 11:30pm on Saturday.  Sorry if I missed you if you got mixed up and came Sunday.  Anyway, let's try it again this Friday, since something probably just came up.  Love, Lenny.

You load sixteen tons.  What do you get?  I'll tell you what you get:  another day older and deeper in debt.  See, that's why I didn't take that job, Linda.  I'm not a bum, I'm just not going to brew coffee for some smarmy jerk at a Starbucks and let him take all the profits, you know?  As soon as he offers me six figures, I'll work.  Anyway, let's consider the movie we went to Saturday a "Dutch" date, so I only owe you $12.  Really it should be $10, considering you bogarted the popcorn.