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United States Boasts Largest Prison Population in the World.  Boo-Yah!

WASHINGTON, DC - Already the international leader in locking citizens away, the U.S. Department of Justice released figures showing a growing lead in the incarceration race.

Hey honey!  Here's an affordable one bedroom and it's furnished!

There are over 2.1 million people behind bars in America, most of them for crimes.  Just to put that into perspective, that's a little less than Shaquille O'Neil earns per made free throw.

Interestingly, both violent and property crime rates have fallen over the last several years, but this drop has not adversely affected the prison system's growth plans.  

Some blame "tough on crime" politicians who have legislated mandatory sentences for nonviolent crimes.  Others say maybe we should look at the people who break the law.  One thing is certain, with an average cost of $22,000 per year for each prisoner, we need to find a cheaper way to dispose of bad people.

Springsteen Fights World Hunger, Loses

NEW YORK - "The Boss", as he's affectionately known by fans all over the world, took a shot at world hunger by donating the proceeds of a tour rehearsal for the feeding of himself and several hungry band mates.

"People think you have to travel all over the world, like I do, to do something about an issue like hunger, but that's just not the case," said Springsteen, over a plate of steak and lobster.  "I'm hungry every day, but I don't lay around waiting for Sally Struthers to cry for me, I eat."

The problem with world hunger, as far as Bruce can see, is that people aren't really eating enough.  That is why he took the opportunity to donate every penny of a rehearsal show to fighting this cause.  It is estimated that in excess of eleven people watched the rehearsal, four of whom may very well have paid for the privilege.

"That money will buy some pies for the band and I, and hopefully fight a bit of local hunger.  Think about it, if everyone does their part to eat when they are hungry, we could end world hunger in, like, an hour."

Springsteen went on to say that supermodels and Hollywood starlets may well be some of the worst offenders in the fight against hunger.  He was not sure whether eating and then throwing the food up counts towards the fight.

Columns                                      

Christobol - Just Say No

Gertrude Sez

Several Iraqis Have Still Not Gotten the Memo Concerning Their Peace and Stability

BAGHDAD, IRAQ - In spite of months under a new governmental regime that features no killing of people for the heck of it, many Iraqis continue to attack pretty much everyone.

After a brief lull in suicide bombings and roadside ambushes, the insurgent forces, whose motto is "We hate!" have redoubled their efforts to destroy Iraq.

Could Irritable Bowel Syndrome Be the Cause of Political Unrest in the New Iraq?

United States and Iraqi governmental officials have vowed to work with insurgent forces to find a common ground under which all the terrorists can live peacefully in a three by five box on the moon. 

Local                               

Junior High Class President Quits

SEAPORT, KY  -  When eighth grader Myrna Jollyknockers decided to run for the office of class president at John Wilkes Booth Junior High in the fall of 2004, she had high hopes that she could make a real difference in her school, and perhaps the world.

Scarcely four months into her reign as president, however, she has quit her post and called the entire student government "about as worthwhile as canning puss."

Jollyknockers had set forth a bold agenda for her first 100 days in office, but almost immediately got off to a rocky start when she learned that the student government only meets twice a year, and that one of those meetings was actually a dance.

Undeterred, she attempted to meet with Vice Principal James Jockrash to go over some changes to the school lunch menu she hoped to implement.  After several scheduled conferences fell through, Jollyknockers confronted the Jockrash before a pep rally honoring the 4-9 Alleyrats, the school's bowling team.

"I asked him to help me to reduce the fried foods in our lunch menu, and he spit on my shoes and told me we were going to have pork fried hot dogs for the next month, and that they would be called Jollyknocker dogs.    When I asked about getting seatbelts for the buses, he threatened to kill my dog.  I just quit."

Jason Jockrash, having received the second most votes, has taken her place as president, and promised to institute a nine hour recess. 

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Found:  The face you thought you'd hidden away forever, which you would take out to show yourself, when everyone was gone.  It's pretty stupid. 

Seeking: Map for the road to nowhere. 

Madame Bovine knows whether that rash is something you should be worrying about, and she also knows where you got it.  

Lost: My memory.  That's why I can't remember this so-called debt you keep bringing up, whoever you are.  

SWM, Four foot, three inches tall, very hairy, lazy eye, missing upper lip, large belly, seeks, well, pretty much anyone.

Opportunity does NOT hang around knocking twice, people.  However, just this once, it's waiting for you to send me all your money.  Do not count on me waiting forever.

For Sale: Next to first in line to see Star Wars.  I sold the first spot for part of a Coke last week.  Still, second in line is pretty sweet.  Call Thad.

Found: A pie with a bunch of black birds in it.  If it's yours, you are one sick puppy.

Brenda, I used to have a locker near yours in High School.  We never spoke, and you were two years ahead of me.  But I love you.  Please come to Frank's House of Chicken on Friday at 7pm if you feel the same.  Love, Lenny..

Someone's in the kitchen with Dina.  Someone's in the kitchen, I know.  Someone's in the kitchen, with Dina, playing that damned banjo, and I'm fixin' to go in there and strangle them.