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Rosie O'Donnel Out of Running for Pope

VATICAN - With the process for selection of a new Pope set to begin in secrecy, one thing is apparent:  Rosie O'Donnel will not be the next Pope.

Just how drunk was Rosie when she got this haircut?

Vatican spokesman Joaquin Navarro-Valls could not reveal specifics regarding the secret Conclave by which the next Pope will be selected by the College of Cardinals, but a Jewish hot dog vender who claimed to sell the only kosher falafels within six blocks of the Vatican volunteered his opinion.

"First of all, she is a woman.  Also, she is a lesbian.  Finally, it is widely suspected that she is dating Satan.  These things generally disqualify one from the Papacy."

When contacted for comment regarding this story, Rosie O'Donnel's agent could not immediately remember who she was, or that he represented her.  Finally, he said, "Rosie's a fantastic talent, a wonderful performer.  She'll certainly recover from this setback, and I'm sure she'll land an even better role very soon.  In fact, I've got some very exciting projects I'm looking at presently, where I think she's just perfect.  She's kind of chubby, right?"

Parties Continue to Clash Over Ethics Rules

WASHINGTON, DC - In a 218 to 195 vote along party lines, the Republicans turned away a Democrat proposal to change congressional ethics rules so that they no longer say "Unless you're Tom DeLay."

One might think that the U.S. Congress would have been able to come up with ethics rules by about 1777 and then just stick with those, but apparently the morality of behavior for public servants is far too complex for such a simple approach.

Democrats have argued that Tom DeLay's behavior in accepting lobbyist funded trips to study prostitutes in Hawaii should warrant some sort of reprimand.  He has been given a pass, they say, due to loopholes Republicans have written into the ethics code.

Republicans counter that Democrats didn't seem to mind these sorts of exceptions when they rewrote the code in the 80s to allow Jim Wright to fondle a baboon on live television.

Lost amid all this infighting is President Bush's new energy policy, which urges the development of windmill cars to alleviate growing concern over the price of gasoline, which reached $7.2 million per gallon this week.

Columns                                      

Christobol - Back in the Day

Gertrude Sez

China Refuses to Apologize to Japan, Which Refuses to Apologize to China

BEIJING, CHINA - Foreign Minister Li Zhaoxing (pronounced "Smith") told Japanese foreign minister Nobutaka "Roboto" Machimura that no apology was forthcoming after weeks of violent protests against Japan swept through China.

Chinese citizens are largely upset by revisions to Japanese school texts which now say that none of the atrocities that happened during Japan's occupation of China from 1931-45 actually happened, and even if they did happen, it was China's fault, because "look how they were dressed.".

Business at the Mr. Sushi in China's great wall has never been worse, according to manager Domo Origato.

For their part, the Japanese feel that the violence and protests have been encouraged by the Chinese government as a reaction to Japan's attempt to secure a permanent seat on the U.N.'s security council, which would allow them to help that body do even more nothing in the future. 

"If things do not improve soon," said Machimura, "they are likely to stay the same or get worse."

Local                               

Taylor Keeps Batting 1000

ST. PUTRID, FL  -  Jason Taylor extended his perfect hitting to nine games Wednesday, going two for two against the Cubs in T-Ball action.

Controversy surrounds this streak, which threatens to tie Shelly Thornpickle's batting record of 1936, when she was perfect in T-Ball for the Yellowstockings, ultimately leading them to tie for the championship, along with all the other teams.

T-Ball rules call for two innings, in which each child bats once per inning.  There are no outs, and score is not kept.

However, parents have long kept track of batting average, based upon who hits the underhand pitch from their coach, and who is forced to hit the ball off the tee.  

The league average is around .700.  Thornpickle's remarkable season is still talked about, especially by Shelly herself, as she holds court at the local tavern Monday through Saturday, from 3pm until close.  Taylor's record shouldn't count, she says, because he is 26.

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