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Tiger Pounces on Field, Devours Masters

AUGUSTA, GA - After rather an absurd dry spell that may well have reached several months, the professional golfer known as "Tiger" Woods has returned to championship form in capturing the Masters.

Did Chris "Girl Puppy" DiMarco ever have a chance?

Even though he did not get off to a great start, once he went on the prowl, Tiger's prey had no real chance.  He systematically separated the weaklings from the herd, then eviscerated them and feasted on their carcasses on his way to a glorious, if messy victory.

"We really need someone to adopt a more fearsome nickname if we want to even survive, much less compete," said Nick "Pretty Princess" Faldo.  Ernie "Gerbil" Els and Phil "Manboobs" Michelson nodded in enthusiastic agreement.

Many had thought last year's number one player, Vijay "Does this dress make my butt look big?" Singh would be able to cage Tiger for yet another tournament, but that hope faded as Woods ripped into Singh's meaty calves on the back nine Sunday.

"It's good for golf," said ABC spokesman Arnold Nicklaus.  "People get bored watching men in silly pants making great shots for four days, but when you add in the violence and carnage, you start reaching new demographics."

FDA Rethinking Breast Implant Ban

WASHINGTON, DC - In response to a nationwide epidemic of reasonable sized breasts that seem to obey the laws of gravity, the FDA announced that it is set to reconsider its ban on breast implants.

An all male subcommittee has just completed grueling field tests at Spring Break sites in Florida and South Padre Island.  "We found a startling decline in the number of absurd melons out there," said James Oglemeyer, Director of Boob Issues for the FDA.  "This could have serious ramifications for the entertainment industry.  At some point, we need to ask if we're saving women from unnecessary risks today at the cost of our grandchildren having to look at sagging breasts.  It's an ethical dilemma."

Some women's rights organizations, notably "Small is Good In Terms of Breast Size" and "Women for Women and What Women Want" have expressed concerns that there is almost no medical reason for the FDA to allow silicone breast implants.  They indicate that the few women every year who require reconstructive surgery should "learn to wear baggy shirts like their small-chested sisters have done for thousands of years."

Columns                                      

Christobol - A Modest Proposal

Gertrude Sez

Iraqi President Jalal Talabani Announces Two Year Plan for U.S. Departure

BAGHDAD, IRAQ - Although he has only been President for a few months, Talabani has wasted little time in making promises he has little chance of keeping.

Under pressure from groups who question his legitimacy and independence, Talabani boldly announced that he expects U.S. troops to leave Iraq within two years.  He made this statement after consulting with U.S. intelligence regarding about how long people tend to pay attention.

This detailed restaurant guide to Iraq has now been updated to show safe places to eat (highlighted in purple).

Don Rumsfeld and Connie Rice were unwilling to commit to this timetable.  "We are certainly interested in dialoging with Jalal in a continued verbal exchange in order to maintain open communications on a variety of subjects of shared interest to all parties concerned," said Rice.  Added Rumsfeld: "Do you realize how close the name Talabani is to Taliban?  That's scary.  I'm not saying we have men on the ground ready to take him out at a moments notice, even though, to be frank, we do, I'm just saying some people ought to be careful what they are named." 

Local                               

Soccer Season Opens

WAYMONDALE, IN  -  Little Tykes Soccer is back in full swing once again.  The season opened with a four on three scrimmage between defending Waymondale Cup holders The Firestormers and Waymondale Cup holders The Firestormers.  

The intrasquad scrimmage offered a good indication of what the season will hold, as once again only enough six and seven year olds signed up to form one team.

"We had hoped to get as many as ten or eleven kids, and maybe have two teams this year," said league organizer and coach Jim Neeldemouser.  "What with TV, electronic games, and an abundance of shiftless fat kids, we're just having trouble getting things going."

Parents were delighted to watch their kids form the traditional "soccer clump", in which every child and some bystanders become a mass of kicking humanity which can not move the soccer ball for an hour.  The scrimmage, just like every game last year, ended in a zero-zero tie, with the winner being decided by midget toss. 

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Found:  A violin made of plastic and some spam, in Ohio.  

Seeking: My homeroom angel.  You used to wear the best sweaters, as I recall.  Now I just wonder what has happened to you.  

Studies show that Americans spend upwards of 34 hours a day in their bathrooms.  Shouldn't yours be equipped with the SupraJetColonMonkey2000™? 

Lost: Appetite.  Somewhere in the "Human Body" exhibit at the Science and Industry Museum.  

Married White Male seeks gang of sorority girls who want to do naked stuff around him.

Lost: My copy of "Girls Gone Silly".  This was my favorite video, chock full of geriatric women discussing soup.  If you found it, please call Zach.  I would be happy to make you a copy upon return of my original.

For Sale: Tix to this year's Final Four.  Will it be Illinois?  North Carolina?  Bee County Typing Institute?  If I knew, I'd go to Vegas!  The only sure bet is that it is going to be awesome.  Don't miss your chance!

Found: Evidence that Jack and Jill did NOT go up the hill to fetch a pale of water.

Lost: Willy, my pet cobra.  I think at the church.