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Search for Next Celebrity Scandal Reaches Critical Phase

LOS ANGELES, CA - With much of the nation, at least those with a high tolerance for nausea, glued to the Michael Jackson molestation trial, America's scandal mongers are desperately seeking the next celebrity jailing.  "The Jackson trial can't go on forever," said Entertainment Hourly's Carmelita Bunns.  "There was hope that Robert Blake would celebrate his acquittal with a tri-state killing spree, but it has quickly faded."

Will Carrot Top mangle a puppy with a ukulele?

"People assume that there will always be another scandal to entertain us," continued Carmelita.  "It's easy to forget that we can sometimes go weeks without a major celebrity committing a felony.  It's getting to where we may have to start running stories on Mike Tyson again, and that's very sad, as nobody really cares about him anymore.  Ratings will suffer." 

Steroid Free Baseball Season Set to Open 

BALLPARKS, EVERYWHERE - The pop of the bat and the smell of leather; the roar of the crowd and the shouts of beer and pretzel vendors - it's baseball season once again.  

As spring training nears its completion, the question on everyone's mind is how the 2005-2006 season will compare to the most recent campaigns, now that our heroes of the diamond will no longer be able to take steroids with impunity.  

Will we ever again see a 300 mph fastball?  Can we hope that a slugger will be able to bunt for a grand slam, as happened three times last season?  

Owners worry that the lack of homeruns may keep fans away.  "The days of thirty or forty homers in one game are likely behind us," said Steinbrenner.  "Unless we get the officials to turn a blind eye to corked bats and juiced balls, we could be in for a painful season."

U.S. Intelligence "Dead Wrong"

In what can only be described as a "shockingly shocking" revelation, the presidential commission on intelligence reported that the U.S. was "dead wrong" regarding Iraqi WMDs, and that we know basically nothing about anyone else's weapons programs.

"The whole practice of just sitting in a room and asking a magic 8-ball what is going on in other countries needs to be re-examined," said a source close to the commission.  "It would really be helpful if we knew exactly what is going on in Iran and North Korea, for example."

"We have ways of determining whether our intelligence estimates are correct," said White House spokesman Scott McLellan.  "All we have to do is invade and take over the countries in question, and then we can be pretty accurate in our assessment of what they were doing."

Columns                                      

Christobol - Time to Save the Day(light)

Gertrude Sez

Zimbabwe Embraces President Mugabe's "Change Thru Staying The Same" Platform

ZIMBABWE - There is an old adage in politics:  The devil you know is better than two in the bush.  Conventional wisdom has taught us that incumbents are very difficult to remove from office, especially in countries where the incumbent gets to count all the votes.

The opposition party had hoped this lion would eat Mugabe.

Mugabe has only been president of Zimbabwe for twenty five years.  His comfortable win in this election casts doubt on the idea that he will ever be voted out of office, and some have indicated that they believe he will continue to be in power after his death.  This rumor is bolstered bolstered by his recent request that aides begin to address him as "Obi Wan Mugabe." 

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Gayle Shimsnot Is Pretty Slutty

CRAMDON FALLS, WY  - Momma always told me that if you can't say something nice about someone, that's probably a pretty good sign that they are a bad person.

Still, I have always tried to accentuate the positive in my evaluations of my fellow humans.  After all, I'd like people to be generous in their assessment of me, right?  

But this Gayle Shimsnot has really gone too far.  She hasn't lived in Cramdon Falls for more than a month, and I'm pretty sure that there is not a man in town who hasn't seen her bare breasts.  In fact, she whipped her shirt off in Gully's Tavern the first night she was in town, and it wasn't even Free Shot Friday!

Granted, she's got some nice hooters, but if you think they are as nature made them then you are dumber than the average idiot.  And anyway, how many times do we need to see them?  Is it too much to ask that she not get caught in every rainstorm in a tight white t-shirt?  Does anyone else feel that showing up to church wearing pasties is inappropriate?

I know it takes two to tango, and in Gayle's case, maybe more like four or five, but I can't help but lay most of the blame at her feet.  Men are simply not capable of a great deal of self control, and if a hoochie is going to act like Gayle does we all know what is going to happen.  

I'd suggest we put a scarlet letter on her, if there were an un-tattooed place on her skanky body to put one.

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Found:  A fiddle made of gold and a soul, in Georgia.  

Received: Jenny's number.  It's busy all the doggone time.  How many people are making Jenny theirs, I have to wonder.  Does she even remember that night in Little Rock?

Turns out my "guaranteed win" lottery is illegal or something.  I've had state officials pawing through my mail all week, so if you sent in money I guess you'll have to talk to the governor to get your winnings.     

Found: Ford Expedition Eddie Bauer Limited Edition.  I can see why you just left it at the mall.  I had to sell my mother to get enough gas to get home the other day.  I'm just going to leave it back at the mall, you bastard.

Finally, three of you Little Jenny Snack lovers have come out of the woodwork!  I knew I couldn't be the only one.  Can't wait for our first "Up With Jenny's Snacks" meeting this Thursday at the Gas 'N Go.  Everyone's welcome!  Bring a Little Jenny snack and your favorite Little Jenny snack story to share.

My bad on  Githrasladrrs Day!  Looks like the waxing crescent will be in Pluto, so you've only got 11 days left.  Still, I shouldn't have to remind everyone anyway, so get off my back.

I do not consider goldfish to be pets, so stop trying to sell me your used goldfish.  When I say I buy used pets, I'm talking about dogs, cats, snakes, gerbils, hamsters, and monkeys.  If you have a goat that would also be great.  Call Chad.

Found: A large number of chunks of Humpty Dumpty, next to some nasty piles from the king's horses.

Found: A whole new level of discomfort with the idea of Michael Jackson existing.