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Gasoline Reaches Record Price of One Arm Per Gallon

LOS ANGELES, CA - Even though it seemed impossible that the price for a gallon of fuel could continue to rise (at least if you ignore supply and demand and profiteering motives), it did just that once again this week.  In some parts of California, a single gallon of regular unleaded shot up to a hand, a foot if you wanted someone else to pump it for you (which could be necessary, say, if you had purchased two gallons on the previous day).

This SUV driver sped off toward the hospital, bleeding profusely.  Unfortunately, he ran out of gas just nine feet from Our Lady Of Perpetual Rashes Hospital and Flea Market.

"At these rates, we may have to change our vacation plans," said Soleil Plushpimple.  "My children have been looking forward to a week of sitting in the Wal-Mart parking lot watching DVDs on the viewers in the car, while we try to set the world record for the longest pointless idle in a discount store's parking lot - which is different from the ones people do around Christmas, because those aren't pointless," continued Plushpimple.  

Asked about the crushed dreams of people like Plushpimple, leading economist Gerald Hinklesnoofter said, "It's important to keep things in perspective.  In inflation adjusted real net pre-taxed dollars, a gallon of gasoline actually cost a shoulder and part of a neck in 1979."  

Bonds' Ex-Girlfriend Says He Used Steroids, Shot Kennedy 

SAN FRANCISCO, CA - Testifying before a grand jury, Barry Bonds' ex-girlfriend Kimberly Bell indicated that she had seen Mr. Bonds inject himself with "human growup hormones" and other controlled substances on at least three occasions.  She also said that he had confessed to shooting JFK one night when she caught him selling drugs to orphans at unfair prices.

When asked if she was bitter over the breakup with Bonds, and whether that may be influencing her testimony, she said any such thought is "crazy moron babbling."

Bonds, who is in spring training getting ready for the 2005-06 MLB season, was eating the hearts of aboriginal virgins he had purchased on ebay, and had no comment regarding Bell's statements.  He did have several things to say about her mother, however.

Columns                                      

Christobol - Your Mother Does Not Work Here

Gertrude Sez

U.S. Urges Canada to Tell Germany to Tell China It Should Press N. Korea to Return to Nuke Talks

BEIJING, CHINA - Chinese officials acknowledged receipt of a note that was apparently written by Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice this week.  In it, she tells China that she "thinks Indonesia has a bit of a crush on you" and asks that they pressure North Korea to give up its nukes.

The note to China was passed around this table until Kofi Annan took it and read it in front of the whole assembly..

North Korea is one of several countries who have continued to pursue a nuclear weapons program even though the United States has specifically told them not to.  Asked why countries would do such a thing, Rice said, "It's a mystery.  Nuclear bombs are very expensive to make, and they are quite dangerous, really."  

Local                               

Hoops Upsets Completely Hosing Jeff Bunnlips' Brackets

CORAL NIPPLES, FL - Jeff Bunnlips is a competitive fellow.  Whether he is at home, where he likes to sit and watch television, or at work, where he watches television for his consulting firm, "Jeff on TV", he's always looking for a way to make the activity seem less wasteful.

So it is only natural that Jeff would have entered 167,318 brackets in ESPN's NCAA Men's Hoops Challenge.  "You're only allowed to enter five times per user," said Bunnlips.  "So I had to create like 46,000 logins."  Jeff is not particularly good at math.

Jeff has spent the entire weekend glued to the television, with printouts of all his brackets strewn about the living room.  He skipped his daughter's wedding, and forgot to call to see how his wife's reconstructive surgery went.  In spite of this dedication, which some would call an obsession, he says he is "basically out of the running."

"With so many teams losing, I just don't stand a chance," said a dejected Bunnlips.  "Plus, I found out, with all those entries, I did a poor job keeping track of my picks, and had some dupes, which didn't help."

In fact, Jeff ultimately had only entered two different brackets, both having Purdue as the national champs, even though they did not make the tournament.

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