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Judge Clears Leno To Make Jackson Jokes

SANTA MARIA, CA - In spite of objections from Michael Jackson's lawyers, Judge Rodney "Call Me Ishmael" Melville granted permission to Jay Leno to continue to make fun of Michael Jackson.

What's to make fun of?

The defense has listed Leno as a witness in the trial.  It is expected that Leno will testify that, to his knowledge, Michael Jackson has never molested a child while appearing on The Tonight Show.   

While this may not provide the exculpatory punch that many legal experts feel Jackson needs, it is part of a larger strategy in which they expect to show that there are literally billions of places in which it is very unlikely Jackson has ever molested a child.  After what they hope is decades of testimony, the jury may spontaneously combust.  Jackson feels very strongly that this is a possibility. 

The prosecution, while pleased with the ruling, did express regret that Melville did not require Leno to make funny jokes.  

Clinton Recovering After Surgery 

NEW YORK, NY - Former President Bill "Can We Just Call Me Bill?" Clinton is recovering from heart surgery in which fluid, scar tissue, and a pack of gum from his last surgery were removed.  According to doctors, everything went well.

Dr. Joshua "Elizabethan" Sonett called the surgery "a complete success," and went on to say:  "Certainly there is no reason for anyone to sue us for malpractice or anything.  It's not like we messed anything up!"

Clinton was in good spirits after the procedure, and said he expects a complete recovery.  "I do have one regret," said Clinton.  "I heard that a man in Germany just got a second penis installed, and had I known that was possible I would have opted for that as well, as long as I was in here."

Senator Hillary "Not Rid of Him" Clinton cut the press conference short at that point, indicating that her husband was "obviously tired and under the influence of a large number of drugs, some of which were even administered by doctors."

It is too early to tell whether having a husband with two penises would help Hillary in her bid for the Democratic nomination in 2008.  Some believe she would be better off just getting a second one for herself.

Columns                                      

Christobol - It's Time for Madness

Gertrude Sez

Iran Calls U.S. "A Bunch Of Blithering Idiots" As Nuclear Talks Improve 

TEHRAN, IRAN - Sirus Naseri, a top Iranian negotiations official and the reigning "Ayatollah of Break Dancing" said that the American government "is suffering from cranio-rectal displacement if they believe that we will consider abandoning our nuclear fuel programs."  He went on to say that U.S. officials must be "sniffing large quantities of glue."

Iranian official someday hope to deliver clean burning electricity to every household via missiles like the one pictured above.

All in all, these comments were taken as a good sign.  "Last week," said one White House official, "you would not have been able to print even half of what they were saying about us, so riddled with the f-bomb were their comments."

The comments came in response to U.S. and European offers of economic incentives for Iran to cease its more controversial programs.  When asked whether one of those economic incentives was persuading Israel not to "bust a cap in their asses", White House spokesmen only shrugged.  

Local                               

German Shepherd - Terrier Mix Wins "Best In Show"

GONAD SPRINGS, WI - While the purebreds were off strutting their stuff in England, the local "Mutts 'N Sluts" held their third annual dog show and pig wrestling championship at the VFW.

Trotting away with "Best In Show" for the third straight year was "Flipper", a three legged German Shepherd / Terrier mix that, quite simply, mauled the competition.  Said owner James Needlemember, "It's just his way.  In the wild, a dog can't afford to just hang around lettin' other dogs sniff his butt.  It's a dog eat dog world out there."

Some criticize the competition as nothing more than a chance to see scantily clad women bathing dogs who invariably end up fighting with one another.  "Well duh," said Needlemember.

Next year, organizers plan to enlarge the event, bringing in a midget toss from downstate, as well as introducing a four legged race, in which two dogs who have never before met are tied together to race with two other dogs, while being bathed.

The winner of this years pig wrestling championship was Wilber, who most agreed was "some pig!"  He was cooked in celebration.

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Found:  My perfect, perfect soul mate.  But she's married.  I also met a really hot hoochie.  

Lost: Combination to my gym locker.  Thanks for all the help, but please, when submitting guesses, specify which way I should turn the dial and how many times.  It's a total waste of time otherwise.

Jenean, why didn't you tell me that Jamey is your bother!  That is so not funny.   

Found: Half a packet of ketchup, about half a block from McDonalds.  It's down to a quarter pack, because I had a hot dog this week and used some, since no one has claimed the property so far.  Still, if you're the one who accidentally dropped it, please come claim it at Jeremy's house this week.

Dr. Jack's now performing full body implants.  I currently have two tigers ready to go!

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Found: Pair of dice.

Found: Fountain of youth.  Turns out it's a Disney attraction.  The guy who runs it is a real jerkface, too.