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North American Anglican Church Rebuked for Ordaining Openly Fat Bishop

IRELAND - The possibility of a worldwide division in the Anglican church looms, as North American church leaders were asked to withdraw from the Anglican Consultative Council, which decides such issues as whether kids should go to hell for eating chocolate bunnies at Easter.

The schism is the result of the North American Anglican church having ordained an openly fat bishop in 2004.  The previous policy of Don't Ask, Don't Tell, and Don't Sit on Anyone's Lap was considered insulting to fat priests in the church, who openly questioned how their obesity could possibly affect their ability to minister to the faithful, provided they did not eat or crush anyone.  

Yummy pieces of chicken, like the one pictured above, have been snatched from young children at church potluck suppers, according to the Anglican Faithful Against Fat Bishops club.

Bishop Gene Robinson, at the center of the controversy, says he really has no agenda, and wishes everyone would focus on what is really important, such as what is for dinner.

But not all of his flock are as complacent.  "For one thing," says parishioner Carole Fatback, "when we have a carry-in supper, not everyone brings the same amount of food.  You're always going to have those families who show up with a bag of chips and proceed to eat all of the homemade bean dip.  But priests and bishops don't even bring food, so it's always been a sore spot how much they eat.  You get a fat one, and just forget it."

Others are concerned that Robinson's implementation of an all you can eat buffet into the church service has inappropriately shifted the focus from prayerful devotion to an all out food orgy.  Robinson defends the move.  "I'm quite sure all the apostles ate, and that they would have appreciated a good buffet.  After all, in the miracle of the loaves and fishes, do you suppose people just ate a little?  Are you kidding me?  With all that food, I'll bet people totally pigged out!"

Wal-Mart Workers Reject Union 

NEW YORK, NY - Wal-Mart Stores, Inc. announced that workers in Colorado have chosen not to have union representation, a major setback for, well, the unions that keep trying to represent Wal-Mart workers, for one.

"The vote was not even close," commented spokesman Frank "Two Guns" Malone, referring to the 17-1 decision.  "I don't know what that one person was thinking," he added, "but it is a free country, and he is entitled to his opinion, which I'll be discussing with him very soon, to make sure I understand him correctly."

Asked whether the threat to snap the arms and legs off of every family member of any worker who voted pro-union may have unduly affected the vote, Malone simply shrugged.

Columns                                      

Christobol - The Cat Days of Winter

Gertrude Sez

Canada Opts Out of Missile Defense Program, No One Notices 

TORONTO, ONTARIO - In a move largely considered a ploy to try to get Canada in the news, Prime Minister Paul Martin announced that Canada would not participate in the United State's controversial missile defense program.

"We will remain a close, if generally useless, ally to Washington in the War on Fright, or Terror, or whatever," said Martin.  "But we just don't like the idea of stopping intercontinental ballistic missiles from blowing up innocent populations."

Since most countries do not remember Canada exists, they really don't see the point of a defense.

White house spokesperson Ayatollah Jim was surprised to learn of Canada's announcement.  "I don't think they were ever invited to participate," said Jim.  "It's not as if the program is dependent on Canadian beers, even if we do go through a lot of it."

Local                               

People in Small Towns Are Uglier Than in the City, Study Shows

BEAVER'S GULCH, OH - Tom Snorkfiddle and Jack Boilpitts have recently completed a week long study of human beauty in Cleveland, and believe they have made some important discoveries.

"People in the city are better looking," summarized Snorkfiddle.  "I'd say we pretty much spent our whole time in Cleveland looking at people, mostly women, and I'd say we found most of them to be a lot prettier than the women of Beaver's Gulch."

The study, which Snorkfiddle and Boilpitts plan to publish later this week "..on a website or something," was not purely scientific, its authors admit.  "I'd say we did tend to look at pretty girls a lot more than ugly girls, so that may have skewed our results," said Boilpitts.  "But the fact remains, if we spent a week in Beaver's Gulch trying to look at just pretty girls, we'd basically only get to look at Jenny Hoochmeyer, and we'd probably get ourselves beaten up by her boyfriend, Hank."

The pair have plans to visit Indianapolis, IN and Louisville, KY to continue to test their theory, as soon as they can get more time off from the sewage treatment plant, where both volunteer.  "Being as how we don't get paid, we can usually get time off pretty easily," said Snorkfiddle.

Asked if they had any plans to visit other small towns to see whether there were any pretty girls there, Boilpitts said anything was possible, especially if they needed to stop for food or gas on the way to a city.

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