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Negroponte Named Smartest Man In U.S. 

WASHINGTON, DC - President Bush has tapped former ambassador to Iraq John Negroponte to hold the newly created Director of National Intelligence post.  In this role, Negroponte will be expected to raise math, science, and reading scores at schools for grades K-12 across the nation, and also to oversee America's spy agencies, which shouldn't be too difficult for the country's smartest man.

Negroponte, who got like a 1420 on his SAT even though he was totally hung over, hopes to help all children in the U.S. excel.

Asked how he intends to juggle the responsibilities of making everyone in the U.S. smarter while at the same time taking the blame if we are ever, ever, ever attacked again, Negroponte admitted the task seemed daunting.

"But if you think about it," said Negroponte, "there's really nothing we can do to prevent an attack forever.  That's just a matter of time, so I'm going to concentrate on plausible excuses.  As for making everyone smarter, I think I'll start with test taking tips."

Negroponte outlined his new national strategy for improving the country's SAT scores:

• The answer is often "C"
• Make sure you bring at least two sharpened pencils
• Sometimes it helps to have purchased the answers

Also outlined were proposed changes to the test, which Negroponte believes will result in immediate scoring improvements:

• Replace "analogy" questions with "rhymes with" questions.
• Allow use of calculators.
• Give students "lifelines" - so that they can phone a friend, poll the room, or just take a freebie.

When asked whether dumbing down the test would really ultimately help make American students smarter, Negroponte replied, "I wouldn't expect you to understand, you pitifully dumb person."

Core Producer Prices Go Up, Leave Nation Wondering What They Even Are 

WASHINGTON, DC - Core producer prices, a measure of how much stuff costs to make, or else maybe how much the materials cost for making stuff, have gone up.  This is the kind of thing that wakes Alan Greenspan up in a cold sweat, and the only way he can get back to sleep is to raise interest rates.

Auto and cigarette costs were two that notably rose, which means building a car out of cigarettes is now a dream that is simply cost prohibitive.

Columns                                      

Christobol - Smoke 'em If You Can Afford 'em

Gertrude Sez

Israel to Free 500 Prisoners, Having Received "Get Out of Jail Free" Card from Abbas 

JERUSALEM, ISRAEL - Although Israeli Prime Minister Ariel "Little Mermaid" Sharon maintains that every one of the 500 men were guilty of something, jaywalking at least, he has decided to let them go as a sort of housewarming present to Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas.  And really, what says, "Let's have peace!" more than giving someone their criminals back?

Each released prisoner also received a t-shirt bearing the peace symbol, and a bag of soup.

Israel will still be left with 7,500 or so Palestinian prisoners, so at this time no shortage is anticipated.  Still, some citizens were worried that, if this peace thing keeps up, they might run out.

Palestinians allowed that, if more prisoners are released, they may just quit blowing people up for a little while.

It just warms the heart.

Local                               

Patty Slakester Petitions China to Change its Zodiac

GONAD SPRINGS, AR - Patty "The Patster" Slakester has written Chinese Premier Wen Jiabao (pronounced "Jack Smith") to ask that he officially change the Chinese Zodiac.

Slakester has been an avid follower of horoscopes since her childhood years, and has scarcely made a decision - even which brand of margarine to buy - without consulting a palm reader, two psychics, and a fairly omniscient hamster in the last twenty six years.  Still, while she likes her trailer, and her part time job sorting novelty items for the world's largest producer of non-toxic imitation vomit, Patsy has recently sensed that she was missing out on some things in life.

That is why she turned to the Chinese Zodiac.  Almost immediately, she saw why her life has not gone according to her dreams.  According to the Chinese Zodiac, her birth date of June 13, 1959 makes her an Earth Pig.

"How can you hope to meet Mr. Right and get him to marry you, when ten minutes into your first conversation with him you have to let him know you're an Earth Pig?" asked Ms. Slakester.  "You can't!"

Not one to simply take life's troubles without a fight (she has twice been arrested for mooning a judge in the courtroom), Patty has written Wen Jiabao to request that he change the zodiac.  "Ideally," she requested, "change 1959 to a tiger or dragon.  Failing that, at least make me fire.  Fire Pig I can work with."

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Lost: White Tennis Shoe. This was on I-290 near Manheim.  Okay, the one behind the couch was from my other pair of white tennis shoes, so the fight is back on, bucko.

In a hard to believe and technically nonsensical turn of events, Microsoft, AOL, Oracle, WalMart, and my rich uncle have teamed up to test some sort of email measuring device, so if you'll just email this to as many people as possible, we'll you a check for ten cents for each email you forward.  Also, it's going to cure some kid's cancer.

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Found: White Tennis Shoe.  The green was cat vomit, so, yeah, I guess it is really white, or at least was.  I'm just going to leave it outside for now.

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Kevin Keitel's School of Negotiation: Where settling for less doesn't feel so bad.

Laura - I had no idea your brother was a Judo instructor.  I'm not sure where you got the idea that I had something to do with your missing food processor and the power cord to your DVD player, but I just so happen to have some extra of those items, which I'd like to give you as a gift.  I totally don't care about the watch.  Okay? 

Lost: Appetite.  Last seen near very fat woman wearing spandex.