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U.S. Trade Deficit Reaches 291.3 Gagillion 

WASHINGTON, DC - The Commerce Department released its latest guesses for economic measurement in 2004, and is reporting the largest trade deficit in the history of the concept of trade deficits, give or take a few billion, in adjusted net real gross untaxed pre-inflated dollars..  

Apparently, India is full of the "wrong kind of Indians" who will not trade for beads.

Thad Humphries, who heads up the Department of Making Up Numbers That Won't Fit On A Standard Calculator, or DMUNTWFOASC, explained the report.  "It looks like Americans purchase more goods from foreign countries than they sell to foreign countries.  Even Canada!  What are people buying from Canada?"

Asked how this affects an average family, Humphries responded, "A gallon of milk produced by Asians can be shipped to Mexico and fed to a goat, which is then grilled and put into a taco which is eaten by a truck driver, who drives hammocks up to St. Paul Minnesota, all for less than what a typical family pays for a bucket of popcorn at a matinee, provided that popcorn costs $2,384.23"

These numbers illustrate the futility of Congress' "Bead Plan", which had hoped to reverse trade deficits with India by convincing the nation to accept beads in exchange for labor and materials.  "Apparently, history was no guide here, or else these Indians are unlike their American ancestors," said Senator Ted "Hooch" Kennedy.  When informed that there was no correlation between American Indians and the continent of Asia, Kennedy drank a bottle of gin.  Of course, he may have been about to do that anyway.

Reporter Quits When It Is Revealed That He's An Idiot 

WASHINGTON, DC - James D. Guckert has quit as head of the Washington Bureau of the online news outlet Talon over allegations of incompetence.   Guckert has attended White House briefings over the last two years, and has gained a reputation for asking fairly biased questions.  Among his more notable have been:  "What's the deal with those liberals, anyways?" and "How many liberals does it take to, uh, have too many liberals?"

This week, however, when he asked how the president would "work with people who seem to have divorced themselves from reality," it was unclear whether Guckert was referring to Democratic Senators or asking for a job. 

Liberal reporters, who have grown increasingly annoyed with Guckert, decided they would simply ignore him, and concentrate on producing high quality, non-biased reports of the nations events.  Ha ha!  Just kidding.  They dug up information linking Guckert to the registration of some gay porn sites, which he says he registered for a friend when he was starting a hosting business a few years ago.  He also claims not to have inhaled when he had relations with a chicken in Canada a couple years ago.

Columns                                      

Christobol - A Day of Love...for Money

Gertrude Sez

Korea and Iran Really Starting to Irritate World's Super Power Club 

EARTH - Even while Condoleezza Rice sent dire warnings to Iran indicating that if it did not stop its silly nuclear programs, electrical and otherwise, THIS INSTANT then it could expect to hear more warnings next week, North Korea announced that it will be adding to its nuclear weapons arsenal and pulling out of talks where it was pretending to consider otherwise.

"Jeez there are a lot of countries out there," lamented White House spokeswoman Helena Handbasket.  "Just when we start to feel good about Iraq and Afghanistan, up pops these problems in Iran and North Korea!  And somebody mentioned Sudan in a meeting today!  Where the heck is that?"

Are the days of Peace through assured mutual destruction on the come-back?

North Korea seems to believe that the U.S. is trying to topple its government, probably getting this idea from a speech earlier this week in which Bush said, "We're trying to topple the North Korean government."  He later amended that, saying he meant to indicate that he "likes soup," but Kim Jong Il was unconvinced.

Meanwhile, Iran is hoping that strategic oil deals with China will give it economic freedom to tell Europe and the U.S. to go away, lest they be taunted a second time.

Local                               

McNabb Denies He Was Puking in the Huddle - Just Tired

KAPOLEI, HI - Responding to comments made by Eagles' center Hank Fraley, McNabb assured reporters that he had not been throwing up or about to throw up at the end of the Super Bowl, on the drive where the Eagles took 109 minutes off the clock in the 4th quarter while down by two scores.

Fraley had told reporters that McNabb was often unable to speak as he doubled over in dry heaves, really helping his team believe that they could win.  "He was really leaving it all on the field, literally.  My shoes are ruined."

Eagles receiver Freddie Mitchell claimed that he had to call plays in the huddle for McNabb, which would at least mean he contributed something in the game.

But McNabb countered that he had been suffering from a cold, and simply got more fatigued than usual, and that he had NOT been throwing up, dammit.  Replays do support his story, as he notably took a short nap on second down during the final drive, waking up in time to turn the ball over, again.

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