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Bush Outlines Plan to Save Social Security With Federal BINGO Program 

WASHINGTON, DC - After weeks of build up, the President has finally revealed the foundation of his sweeping program changes which he says will save Social Security.  Democrats, angry to the point of hemorrhoids since they lost record numbers of elections in 2004, have been aggressively denouncing any plan to change Social Security, which they say, "... is just fine, even though we've been telling you it is broken and that Bush should have used budget surpluses to fix it in 2000."

If B9 doesn't get called, you don't eat!

Said Senator Barbara Boxter (D-CA), "The very idea of worrying about the solvency of Social Security when we should be finding a legal way to cook Condoleezza Rice in a vat of butter on C-SPAN, after the Roo-Roo, is just maddening!" 

Others are intrigued by the new plan, which they say, "Combines two things of tremendous importance to America's geriatric citizens:  BINGO and money on which to subsist."  Studies show that many senior citizens spend all their money playing BINGO, so providing for their sustenance and medication through this activity simply makes sense.

"Also," added a White House spokesman who preferred not to be named, but whose parents had named him anyway, "with the amount of cigarette smoke in most of these parlors, you can expect people to start dying a lot younger again, which will help reduce the overall cost of the program." 

Study Reveals American Companies Spend $22 Billion Per Year On Spam 

NEW YORK, NY - A new study by the University of Maryland has revealed that corporations in the United States spend a fortune on spam.  It was not convenient for me to review this study, but it does raise obvious concerns.

Why?  What possible benefit can companies receive from what has to be massive quantities of salty luncheon meat?  How many promos involving spam wrestling can a respectable business get away with?  Is there any evidence that marketing blitzes involving giving potential clients a spam sandwich even work?

It's time for the Federal Government to take some sort of action.  Those who follow events on Capital Hill know that several key pieces of anti-spam legislation have been introduced over the previous year.  This new study reveals just how crucial such legislation truly is.  It is unfathomable, during times of economic sluggishness, that companies continue to spend such amounts for a product most people refuse to eat.

Put yourself in the shoes of Gladys Porkshorts, of Taco Sauce, IA.  She was told earlier this year that her job as a quality control inspector for a plant manufacturing fake vomit had been eliminated, in part due to increased costs for the business.  While she was also told that market analyses had revealed that, "no one really cares about the quality of fake vomit these days," she can't help but feel anger when I tell her how much her company spends on spam.  We're angry with you, Gladys!

Columns                                      

Christobol - The Dandy Basin

Gertrude Sez

Iran Seems to Want to Be a Nuclear Power 

TEHRAN, IRAN - Despite months of hand wringing, tongue lashing, foot stomping, and all manner of verbal and nonverbal negative communication efforts, Iran continues to pursue its blatantly evil nuclear program.  It's enough to make one wonder if they are trying to stay a charter member of the "Axis of Evil" club.  Although the United States has denied any plans to immediately invade Iran, it will not rule out the possibility that it will demand that its rulers participate in a twelve step program for wayward countries called "Just Say No To Nukes!" run by former First Lady Nancy Reagan.

"It is pretty obvious from their statements that they would like to be a nuclear super power, and sit at the big kids table in the U.N., and not have to just do whatever the super powers tell them to, but it's not clear why," said Rumsfeld, speaking to a basket of animal chew toys in a pet store.

That would power a lot of light bulbs

Iran claims that their nuclear program is only for domestic production of electricity, but everyone knows that it takes electricity to build an H-Bomb, and besides, can't they just burn oil for electricity?

Still, the United States has decided to pursue a negotiated solution to the growing crises, and not just because every soldier we have is busy elsewhere right now.  "At this point," said Rumsfeld, who had moved on to a discount shoe store, "it's not like we can really trust our intelligence estimates, right?  I mean, either they have one or two nukes, or they have perfected the process for manufacturing fat free bean dip, depending upon whose analysis you trust."

Local                               

Andy Reid Surpasses bin Laden, Hussein as 'Most Hated' in Philly Poll

PHILADELPHIA, PA - Minutes after the Philadelphia Eagles lost the Super Bowl to the New England Football Machine, polls revealed that Andy Reid is now the most hated man in Philadelphia.

"The surprise of this poll is not really that he beat out people like Osama bin Laden and Saddam Hussein, who really aren't in the news much anymore, but that he even gets mentioned, since this poll was about peanut butter brand preferences," said Phil McGroin, who has nothing to do with this story.

Although pollsters had set out to determine which peanutty spread most delighted consumers in the "City of Brotherly Love," most  respondents simply wanted to discuss interesting ways to kill their loser coach.

For example, the most popular answer to the question: "Do you prefer crunchy or smooth peanut butter as a tasty spread to put in your pants?", the most popular answer was: "Whichever one is more likely to cause Andy Reid to break out in a deadly rash for not running a hurry up offense!"

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Laura - Say, did I leave my watch at your place?  Sorry about the whole, "I never loved you" deal.  Let's call it a misunderstanding, and totally hook up if you make it back to town.  I really need that watch ASAP, though.  It's my dad's, and he's, well he's got a mission to Mars coming up.