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Democrats, Hell-bent On Staying Losers, Edge Closer to Dean 

WASHINGTON, DC - Stinging from historic losses in recent elections, which have seen Republicans retaining the White House, gaining seats in the House and Senate, and gaining Governors' seats across the nation, Democrats are moving closer to turning over the reigns of the DNC to proven loser, Howard Dean.

Will Dean change the DNC symbol?

At first, selecting a candidate who was soundly rejected by Democrats in the 2004 primaries seems counterproductive.  On closer inspection, however, it's much worse than that.  Dean gained early notoriety by raising funds and finding supporters via the internet.  When it was revealed that most of these supporters were eleven to thirteen year old children who were just taking a break from their chat room activities, Dean's campaign began to lose steam.  But it was his complete meltdown in Iowa that revealed just what a nut job he is.  

Still, desperate to "change directions" without actually doing anything new or sensible, Democrats are leaning towards Dean.  Republicans are ecstatic, but do worry that Dean will blow this lead as well, and Democrats may be forced to look for a less medicated candidate.

Fuel Prices Getting "Pretty Frikken Ridiculous" 

EMULOINS, OH - The price for a gallon of regular unleaded gasoline hit $423 this week at the Gas 'N Go in Emuloins, OH.  Some customers, assuming it was a joke, went ahead and filled their vehicles, only to find that they owed owner Fanny Noodlemeyer over ten thousand dollars.

"I can't pay no ten thousand dollars for a tank of gas!" was the near universal response.  Said one Noodlemeyer customer who also happened to be her great grandmother, "I knew prices were going up, but this is pretty frikken ridiculous."  Ms. Noodlemeyer is unmoved.

In just one week, she has impounded thirty-four vehicles, which are parked on an adjacent lot where Noodlemeyer plans to open a used car dealership in the coming weeks.  Asked whether she didn't agree that $423 is an exhorbitant price for a gallon of gasoline, Noodlemeyer became visibly annoyed, saying, "I suppose you could go dig a well in your yard, and put a refinery in your garage, and see how much a gallon of gas costs you to produce.  Anyway, the price is clearly marked.  I didn't hold a gun to anyone's head and force them to shop here."

True, but guns were used to impound the cars.  "Well, people wouldn't give them up, otherwise.  It's like if I walked into a Neiman Marcus and grabbed a dress, they'd want me to pay for it, right?  And if I told them that this dress I'm wearing only cost me two bucks, that wouldn't make them change the price on their dress, now would it?"

The unhappy customers are without recourse for the time being, as Noodlemeyer's actions appear to be technically legal.  However, city officials believe they may have come up with a solution, said Mayor Eugene Horselips.  "We've drafted a new ordinance which makes it a crime to poke holes in Ms. Needlemeyer's lungs with a screwdriver, punishable by a fine up to eight dollars, after two warning citations."

Needlemeyer's attorney / acupuncturist Jeff Leech had no comment for the record, although he did say he was "...pretty sure they can't do that."

Columns                                      

Christobol - Cool Dads Do Math

Gertrude Sez

Iraqis Vote, Elect Hussein in Act of Bitter Irony 

IRAQ - After months of preparation marred by violence and vehement second guessing, the most anticipated election since November was held on January 30th, 2005.  

Much of the violence which had been predicted did in fact occur, killing at least 35 people as they attempted to reach to polls.  Nevertheless, over 60% of registered Iraqi citizens are estimated to have voted, making Iraqi turnout for their first free election better than any US National election, where the chances of being blown up at a polling site are relatively slim, since the invention of statistics. 

The results are shocking to most international poll-watchers, who had John Kerry winning by a landslide.

Still Not Iraq - Above

"Obviously we did not anticipate this result," said White House spokesman Scott McLellan.  "Hussein was not on the ballot as a candidate, and in fact no one was a presidential candidate at all.  There was a referendum regarding whether or not Hussein's appendages should be severed on pay-per-view.  We're looking into the legal requirements for a do-over."  

Some are blaming the butterfly ballots, provided by the United States at no cost to the Iraqis, for the unusual results.  Many Iraqis claimed they thought they had voted for Gore, but now fear that they may have made a voting mistake while concentrating on dodging bullets.

"There are still a number of absentee votes we'll need to count," said a dejected election official who asked that his name be withheld.  "The results are not final."  But as he said this, he finalized preparations to flee to Turkey.  

Local                               

Man Sues Local Video Store Over "Crappy Movie"

BULOXI, MS - Howard Hayward sat down Saturday evening to what he hoped would be an "enjoyable cinematic experience in the privacy of [his] own home."  Before long, however, he was choking on his popcorn.

"The characters were completely one dimensional.  They weren't even fit for a Saturday morning cartoon," said Hayward.  "And the plot?  If you can call a bunch of idiots doing nothing for two hours a plot I guess you can say it had a plot."

So disappointed was Hayward, in fact, that he has filed suit for $2.68, the cost of the rental, along with $24.99, to compensate him for three hours of his time, and $2.6 million, for emotional trauma.  

"It's obviously a frivolous suit," said Gilda Gladhips, owner of The Movie Store.  "I can't be responsible for the quality of movies, or what people choose to take home.  I'd be out of business in a heartbeat!"

Still, Haward claims he only rented the movie because it appeared on a shelf under the sign: "Gilda's Goodies".

"If she's going to endorse a movie, then she needs to stand behind that endorsement.  Otherwise the whole world is meaningless!" said Hayward.

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