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Viagra for Your Heart! 

WASHINGTON, DC - Doctors at Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine and Tap Dancing announced an exciting development for those who suffer from certain heart conditions.  

A study of mice with stress related enlarged hearts revealed that treatment with sildenafil citrate, the generic term for viagra, not only gave the mice tremendous erections, but even reversed some of their heart problems, or at least made them not really care about them.

Hope for big hearted mice, and men.

Dr. David A. Kass of Johns Hopkins, an excellent tap dancer himself, said, "It's very exciting!  Who doesn't want to carry the Big Bertha, right?  And now you can tell people it's for your heart.  The study really gives hope to those who, due to stress related to an inability to achieve or maintain an erection, have an enlarged heart.  Right now that's at least two people we know of.  Add in the people who want to use Viagra, but were too embarrassed, and the market just exploded."

He did admit that further study would be necessary, as the mice treated with Viagra showed a tendency to smoke more than twice as much as their flaccid counterparts.  "They did tend to light one up after mounting another mouse, the exercise wheel, the water dish, whatever," said Kass.  "And then there's the whole complete blindness and hairy paws thing we're going to have to work out, but I'm thinking their paws started out pretty hairy."

Officials at Pfizer cautioned consumers that the studies are not yet conclusive.  At the same time, they added a large banner saying, "Viagra Makes You a REAL Man and Cures All Diseases" on their Canadian website, where no regulations regarding drug claims exist.

Bushes Attend Inauguration and Ten Balls, Still Get Home by 10pm. 

WASHINGTON, DC - With all the pomp and circumstance one has come to expect with the swearing in of the world's most powerful human, George W. Bush took the presidential oath for the second time on January 20th at noon, this time not even trying to hide his crossed fingers.

It all started with the official inaugural wake up alarm at 6:07am, followed by six official inaugural snoozes, each lasting approximately nine minutes.  Then the inaugural morning whiz led directly into the inaugural shower, shave, and tooth brushing ceremonies, all of which were attended by honored guests who had reached the platinum level in fund raising during the election campaign.

The inaugural breakfast gave way to the inaugural security planning sessions, which largely dealt with strategies for making sure democrats who attempted to leave their homes would be stuck in traffic until they perished.

After the official inaugural inauguration, the Bushes blitzed through parties at a pace even Paris Hilton would have to admire, sometimes not even pausing long enough to use the facilities, to the chagrin of those who had printed up thousands of The President Relieved Himself Here t-shirts.

All the running around led to an unexpected visit to the wedding reception of Raul and Juanita Myaz, which was held just two doors down from one of the official inaugural balls.  "One minute, we were dancing to La Cucaracha, the next, a bunch of secret service and people in tuxedos run through and all the food and liquor is gone," said Raul.

The President used the occasion to practice his Spanish, yelling, "Muchos Gracias el vaca pendejos!" as he rushed away. 

Even with the unscheduled stop, the Bushes were home in time to see themselves on the evening news.

Kerry celebrated the inauguration as first alternate judge for a pie eating contest at the Rotary Club in Siloam Springs, Arkansas.

Columns                                      

Christobol - One Big Happy America

Gertrude Sez

Unconfirmed al-Zarqawi Tape Calls Democracy "a Bunch of Hooey" 

IRAQ - In a rambling address aimed at undermining the January 30th elections in Iraq, Abu Musab "Wasabi Babi" al-Zarqawi warned Iraqis that democracy is a lie. 

Iraq - not above

"This so called freedom that the infidel American Pigdogs offer is so much booger water monkey niblets chicanery," Zarquwi is heard to declare.  "Sure, you may get to choose your leaders, and this system may lead to more prosperity and equal rights, and perhaps many of you will not die in shallow graves at the hands of a ruthless egomaniacal bastard, as would otherwise surely have been the case, but...where was I going with this?  Can we roll that back and start fresh?"

Zarqawi, who makes a living impersonating Shirley Temple at bachelor parties when he is not busy convincing poor, abused people that dying for him is fun, has a $25 million dollar bounty on his head, courtesy of the United States.

Zarqawi addresses this reward offer just before the abrupt end of the tape.  "Your bounty does not scare me, because I know that the people of Iraq can see through the insidious dog waste droppings at the middle of the heart of your false lies, and even $25 million can not...What? It's up to $25 million?  Crap." 

Local                               

"Toys for Tikes" a Scam

AGUA DULCE, TX - Fifteen years of good deeds have come to a bad end, with the discovery that Javier "Santa" Garcia, founder of "Toys for Tikes" has never given a single donated toy to a child.

Acting on tips from neighbors, police raided the trailer and storage shed of Mr. Garcia at 9:30am on Wednesday, January 19.  Said police sergeant Pedro Gomez, "I've never seen so many toys.  It was like busting into Santa's workshop, only instead of elves, there were a bunch of toys.  And instead of Mrs. Clause baking cookies, there were a bunch of toys.  I've never seen so many toys!"

Mr. Garcia maintained his innocence, claiming that he was simply engaged in "equality surance" testing.  "Nobody puts in the kind of hours I do making sure that these toys are fun.  When some kid finally receives one, you can be sure that he is going to have fun with it, and you can thank me for that.  But you don't have to thank me.  I just love kids.  But look where that got me."

Local residents are shocked at the revelation.  Most have given generously when Mr. Garcia set up his collection center in his front dirt patch every year, complete with a stuffed armadillo with antlers.

"Just because no one ever benefited from it, doesn't change anything," said Terry Schayes, a longtime resident and toy donator.  "I'm sure those kids' hearts were warmed by the thought, even though they never had anything to play with, and probably never even knew toys were donated on their behalf."

Other residents weren't so sure.  "It just makes me glad I never gave," said Norma Stingepants.  

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