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Man Throws Up, Sues NBC 

CLEVELAND, OH -  Austin Aitken, paralegal and possible closet mime, filed a handwritten suit against NBC for causing him to vomit, experience lightheadedness, high blood pressure, and imbalance (physical and mental) leading to a doorway collision that very well may have left a mark.  He is claiming that a television show, aired on NBC, is the cause of his suffering, even though the events described in his suit are things he has done every single day for the last thirteen years, sources close to my desk said.

"Any number of our shows cause more discomfort than what is described in this complaint almost every minute of the day," said studio exec James Throbinsky.  "I've heard of people's heads exploding during some of our daytime offerings."

The show Aitken is suing over is Fear Factor, which NBC describes as a show about a boy and his dog, and how nothing is ever really what it seems, and dolphins should be free.  Or maybe that's another show.

On this particular episode, contestants were eating rats from a blender, hoping to win $50,000.  The challenge was to run to the bathroom in under 4.2 seconds, and apparently the players considered this a good strategy.

Aitken found himself hopelessly enthralled, unable to change the channel, turn off the TV, look away, or even blink.  His chance of winning the suit is roughly equal to his chance of being described as "a pretty cool guy" by a female. 

Golden Globes Reassure Hollywood's Megastars That They Are Darned Cool 

HOLLYWOOD, CA- Stars from television, movies, commercials, and even busy street corners will be honored for work they have done this year, or in years past, or things that it is anticipated they might someday do.

Under a strictly guarded formula, everyone wins.  Unlike the stodgy Oscar awards, where almost everyone loses, the Golden Globes have figured out how to honor everyone who RSVPs for the awards, largely by creation of new categories.

"And in the category of television shows airing at 7pm Tuesdays on FOX that have the word 'Idol' in them, the winner for comedic drama musical reality show featuring an abusive panel is....American Idol!" is the type of edge of your seat drama one can generally expect, and this year promises to be no different, no matter what you may hope. 

As silly as this may seem, it gets even dumber when you consider that the whole thing is just a massively expensive exercise in mega egomaniacal behavior that will be watched by millions, who will deeply care about it.

Columns                                      

Christobol - Driven to Chilled Revenge

Gertrude Sez

Titan Probed 

SATURN, MILKY WAY - The multi billion dollar Huygens probe sent back images of Titan, a moon of Saturn it had been probing.  

The high risk project, which had been criticized due to the large expense and tremendous chance for failure, surprised the international community by transmitting over two hours of data from Titan's surface before the Huygen's batteries ran dry.

"$3 billion may seem like a lot to spend for a couple hours of data from an icy moon very far away, but that's only because it's enough money to feed every hungry child in the world for the next ten years," said a visibly proud lead scientist John Zarnecki. 

Images of the orange sandy surface thrilled scientists, many of whom were quick to remark how difficult such images would be to fake from, say, a warehouse two miles away, before speeding away in their Lamborghinis for a celebratory lunch. 

Local                               

Sarah Goonbutter Makes All 'C' Honorable Mention Roll

WEST LUGEY, WY - After twenty three years of what some locals would call futility, if they had any idea what the word meant, a public school student appears ready to advance to the next grade.

The West Lugey Public School Corporation has been unable to pass a student in good conscience for over two decades, largely because of "...the unrealistic expectations of powerful Washingtonian educational beuronazis," according to Superintendent Jim "Ralph" Whistlebum.  "I'm so sick of hearing about national standards, and tests, and how teachers ought to be able to read," said Whistlebum.  "Hopefully now that young Sarah nearly made C's across the board, people will get the hell off my back."

Still, not everyone is equally pleased with Goonbutter's achievement.  Some parents showed concern that there may even have been preferential treatment, since Sarah was taught by her own imaginary friend for much of the semester.

"I ain't got nothing against l'il Sarah," said concerned parent and PTA president April Mayshowers, "but she aren't that bright."

"Oooga!  Bunghhh rrrmmmph booooga sssshniiigrrrrrumph," added her husband, Chrumph, who teaches classical rhetoric at the high school.

Sarah's teacher claims, "All that's just sour fruit thingies," and laughs off the criticism.

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