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Wells College to Admit Men 

AURORA, NY -  Many young women are upset that Wells College, a traditionally all-women's college, has decided to go co-ed.  Perhaps "many" is a bit strong, as the school's enrollment hovers right around six students a year.  A couple students have even sued the school, claiming breach of contract, since they claim they were "...promised no dudes would be here."  School officials, speaking on condition of payment in tasty biscuits, indicated that, "Those girls are probably lesbians."

As indicated in the above picture, which has nothing to do with this story, not all girls dislike boys.

"This isn't simply a question of disliking the smelly, ignorant, bullying creature known as 'men'," argued Dr. Sarah Manicankik, director of Female Studies of Poems Depicting Castration at Wells, and notorious hairy legged circus freak.  "Study after study has shown that women who learn in a single sex environment pay closer attention, perform better on tests, take leadership roles, and say 'I'm so sure!' much less."  

Wells college has prided itself on its ability to encourage women to become excellent achievers, rather than just hanging around construction sites waiting to be impregnated by the first man who takes notice of them.  In fact, 90% of the Valedictorians of Wells College for Women have been of the female persuasion, and have amassed an impressive list of academic achievements before going out into the real world to be dominated by boys.

The move to become co-ed was prompted primarily by fiscal concerns, as "...the number of high school graduates looking for isolation in a nunnery style institution is just not enough to make this lucrative, even with the webcams in the showers," according to academic dean and wally-ball coach Glenda McNipple.  

Reality Show Over Before It Begins 

HOLLYWOOD, CA- Filming of Who Wants to Have Their Head Impaled on a Spear ended abruptly when all twenty-six candidates inexplicably died on the first day of shooting.

"We're shocked," said CBS Reality TV talent scout and ex con Zackery Rockstone.  "In all my sixteen months of working in this crazy industry, I've never seen anything like it.  I knew that working with regular people would be different from working with stars, but for everyone to just up and die?  That's nutty."

CBS is left filling the slot with a previously rejected pilot, Who Will Pull Art Spankler's Finger for a Dollar?  The initially promising premise was exposed as a simple fart joke early in its fourth episode, but now will have the opportunity to run for a full season.  There will be no guarantee of success, however, as it runs against ABC's I Just Poked Something, which has drawn viewers into its seat gripping mystery, as water cooler conversations from Mansfield, Ohio to just outside Mansfield, Ohio focus on what may have been poked. 

Columns                                      

Christobol - Ready to Plan for '06

Gertrude Sez

Sudan Declares Peace After 21 Years of War 

NAIROBI, KENYA - Vice President Ali Osman Mohamed Taha and rebel leader John Garang signed an accord, ending an over two decades long revolution.

The peace treaty, which has been roundly criticized for its failure to include an end to fighting, was met with great enthusiasm, including a few spontaneous riots and the traditional attempts at genocide.

Taha, in signing the accord, said, "Finally the hateful southern rebels have given up their fruitless grasp for power, and the wonderment of this government can flourish.  Let a hundred guns salute!  At them!"  Garang took issue with this comment, but signed anyway, saying, "We will, of course, annihilate the evil forces controlling this country."

A nice picnic featuring Cher's Farewell Tour followed.  

Local                               

Sports Fans Very, Very Disappointed

GREEN BAY, WI - Cheese hat wearing NFL fans are feeling very, very disappointed. The Green Bay Packers, heavily favored in their home match up with the Minnesota Vikings, were beaten like little girls on Sunday.  Not as in you should beat up a little girl, or anyone, but rather the way they played made their fans want to beat up little girls.

"I really thought we were going to win today," moaned Gus Weinerblatz, between bursts of hysterical crying.  "Earlier in the year, when we weren't playing so well, I still had faith.  Then we turned it around and T.O. got hurt for the Eagles and I pretty much figured the Superbowl was a lock."

"Yeah," agreed friend and fellow fromage freak Carl Kurdle.  "If we were to lose to, I don't know, St. Peter and a team of supernatural archangels, that would be one thing.  But the Vikings?  I'm going to throw up."  

And Mr. Kurdle was good to his word, though whether the true cause was the Packer's five turnovers or the fifteen brats he had scarfed before the game, this reporter neither knows nor cares.

Lost: White Tennis Shoe. This was on I-290 near Manheim.  Please, just let me know if you found it.  I've been hopping around for like, a month.

Madame Claire knows that you are about to call so that she can tell you all about your exciting future.  So, call already.

Lucifer Mephistopheles, Esquire.  Personal Injury, Estate Planning, Algebra Tutoring.  Just because I'm your Senator doesn't mean we can't soak your neighbor!

Lost:  Flu like symptoms.  Woke up Wednesday feeling just fine.  I don't know what happened.  If you found them, you can have them.  

Found: White Tennis Shoe.  Thanks for my dog's new favorite chew toy.  Well, it will be soon.  What, you think I'm a warehouse for lost shoes or something?  

Lost:  Sock puppet.  My hand was still in it.  Please put on ice and return, no questions asked.