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US Citizens Break Own Holiday Weight Gain Record

WASHINGTON, DC -  For the ninth year in a row, Americans have outgained other countries in the critical weight accruing days between November 20 to January 2.

Dr. Hugh Mongus of the Centers for Obesity indicated that "it wasn't even close this year."

"Usually, we're on pins and needles in the week between Christmas and New Year, wondering if folks will really dig deep and suck down the calories," continued Dr. Mongus.  "But this year it was sewn up by Christmas Eve, with Americans having gained an average of twenty-six pounds of unsightly fat, often concentrated in a single thigh."

Dr. Mongus has been studying American weight gain for thirty-four years, and at one time hoped to develop and market a drug that would help.  "I never believed I could stop people gaining weight.  You might just as well try and stop a dog from licking himself when you have company over, or any other time, come to think of it.  But I did hope to create a drug that would allow people to cause the fat to collect in parts of their body where they actually desired to be bigger, such as the breasts for women, and the backs of knees for men."

After years of research, however, Dr. Mongus has so far only been able to produce a pill which causes a painful rash on one's tongue, which has met with limited commercial success when marketed as a gag gift in countries lacking product liability laws.  

Still, Dr. Mongus continues to study large Americans.  "Some would call it an unhealthy obsession, or even a fetish, like my shrink.  But if Einstein has listened to such talk, we might not have, well, the stuff Einstein did."

When Dr. Mongus is not busy studying fat people, he likes to inject pork rinds into rodents.  So far, this has not led to any published studies, but he claims it helps him to relax.

Batgirl Released From Hospital 

MILWAUKEE, WI- Spunky fifteen year old Jeanna Giese of Fondu Lac, a small town in Wisconsin named after a lake of naturally warm cheese in which tourists bathe for good luck, and are often subsequently eaten by bears, has been released from the hospital after an experimental treatment for rabies.  

Bitten by an infected bat in September, young Jeanna did not seek immediate treatment, instead fighting crime for a couple months.  Predictably, her grades suffered, and her parents finally had her tranquilized and forcibly cured.

It is expected that she will make a complete recovery.  Meanwhile, cheese related vandalism soars.

Columns                                      

Christobol - A Sequence of Regrettable Occurrences

Gertrude Sez

Canada Afflicted With Second Angry Bovine 

WINNIPEG, CANADA - A second case of the terribly expensive spongiform encephalopathy, a brain related disease which attacks cows and somehow allows them to read the minds of sea living large headed creatures, was announced at the first annual "Let's Get Canada in the News Any Way We Can" festival.

More commonly called "Mad Cow Disease" this bacterial, or possibly viral, this reporter isn't clear, illness has no known bovine cure, and so cows thus infected must be immediately destroyed, along with their relatives, friends, and the farms in which they have lived.  

People make a big deal out of it, but this reporter wonders why.  After all, the cows were going to be killed either way, eh? 

Local                               

New Year Rung In With Massive Inebriation, Again!

STINK RIDGE, NM - The tradition of ending the old year, and greeting the new year in a fuzzy, drunken stupor lives on.

From Snake Pit Billiards 'N Booze to La Mansion Du Pantolons de Peu, revelers found no lack of spirits specifically designed to make any celebration memorable - for those who must clean the bathrooms.

"I've been working the Puke Crew for twenty three years, and frankly, nothing surprises me anymore," said Lurlene Splandik.  "I've seen people lying in filth they would make every effort to walk around normally, and far from being grossed out, they'll be smiling and singing a song.  I've seen a woman kiss a man so ugly she would sooner lick a dead goat if she were sober."

"That's nothing," added Puke Crew captain and good friend Shane Wayne.  "I once saw a man karaoke to Cher and then ask his girlfriend to marry him, and she accepted.  If that ain't drunk, I don't know what is."

The Puke Crew is a volunteer non-profit organization dedicated to relentlessly tracking down inebriated individuals and groups on holidays such as New Year's Eve, so that pictures can be taken of their stupidity.

Lost: White Tennis Shoe. 

Fly anywhere for free by becoming luggage.

Lucifer Mephistopheles, Esquire.  Personal Injury, Estate Planning, Algebra Tutoring.  Let's see how much a nearby Fortune 500 company owes you!  Specializing in frivolous settlements.

Wanted:  Volunteers for study:  Tapeworms For Life, Weight Loss and Family Pet.

For Sale:  Walrus.  Low miles, looks cute in a skirt.  Buyer must pick up. Will consider trade for miracle grilled cheese sandwich or similar.

Learn the art of seduction from Manfred Pussmonkey.  Hey, whatever you've been doing isn't working, right?

Found: White Tennis Shoe.  This was on service road to I-290 near Manheim.  Just wanted to let you know I burned it.  Burned it and threw it away.  Ok, I didn't.  But I will.  You stupid one shoed idiot.  I hate you.