Weekly Newz   "You heard it here at some point."

National

International

Advertisement

I'll Be Home Sometime After Christmas, New Year's For Sure, Maybe

WASHINGTON, DC -  Thousands of passengers, hoping to get home in time to exchange gifts with loved ones, instead camped out in airports breathing in one another's expelled gasses, thanks to U.S. Airways.

Flights had to be cancelled because large numbers of baggage handlers and flight attendants called in sick.  Company spokesmen claimed this had nothing to do with the first annual Winter Wonderland of Tequila holiday party, featuring eleven tequila fountains and a "gauntlet of vodka based liquids" stretching more than three hundred yards.  

Ultimate Power Not Helpful At Christmas 

WASHINGTON, DC- The Bush family exchanged gifts for Christmas, with Laura giving George a raincoat and George giving Laura dessert plates.

Asked about the obvious lameness of these gifts, and whether they signaled a desperate, sexless union, a White House spokesman speculated that the Bushes were simply voluntarily giving each other crappy gifts so that less fortunate people would not feel as bad during this season.  He also pointed out that fewer dignitaries had given gifts appropriate for "re-gifting" this year.

After Christmas Sales Offer 60% Discounts 

Once again, retailers across America slashed prices on inventory for "After Christmas Sales".  Even though this happens every year, Americans have not chosen to delay their gift giving to take advantage of these sales.  

Experts agree this is because people are very, very stupid.

Columns                                      

Christobol - Ho Ho Hold That Steady!

Gertrude Sez

US Suggests Iraq Try Out "Pretend" Democracy First 

BAGHDAD, IRAQ - Election officials have rejected American suggestions that they go ahead and rig their first election.

Concerned that low turnout could give Shi'ites more seats than the US would like, it had been suggested that Iraqis simply adjust the actual voting results so that more Sunnis win.

Asked about this creative approach to a free and fair election, White House Spokesman Trent Duffy, who continues to surrender his lunch money to "big, mean kids" responded, "The Iraqis can decide for themselves what the rules of this election will be.  We don't want to exert any undue influence, and they should not be swayed by the fact that we can just take the country over again and again until they get it right." 

Local                               

5th Avenue Speed Bumps Ordered Removed

BEAVER'S GULCH, WY - The series of eleven speed bumps recently installed by citizen / activist Glenn Pigstump in a two mile stretch of 5th Avenue have been ordered removed by the city council.

Pigstump has until Wednesday to remove the speed bumps, fashioned from tree trunks, appliances, and family pets he has stolen from neighbors.

"None of the pets were hurt," said Mr. Pigstump.  "And let's face it, they'd be out there chasing the cars anyway."

"I haven't decided whether or not to appeal, but I just wonder who will protect the insects if I don't.  Did you know that millions of flying insects needlessly die in the grills of automobiles every day?  And for what?  So people can get home sooner?"

This went on and on.  Finally I had to squash a bug right in Pigstump's face.

You can quit smoking, but you won't! 

Never mind.

Tiny "home security" cam is also really great for getting extremely fuzzy pictures of naked guests!

Lucifer Mephistopheles, Esquire.  Personal Injury, Estate Planning, Algebra Tutoring.  Call Now!  This time I swear I won't laugh at your pain.

All natural magic beans allow you to eat whatever you want, provided you don't mind bloating up like an Orca.

Found: White Tennis Shoe.  This was on service road to I-290 near Manheim.  I guess you think I'll just keep your shoe forever, dude.  But I won't.

Become amazingly wealthy by letting me chant a happy luck song over all your tangible assets.