Weekly Newz   "You heard it here at some point."

National

International

Advertisement

Bush Named Employee of the Month

WASHINGTON, DC - It has been quite a run for President Bush.  As noted by several news outlets in November, Bush survived a spirited challenge from John "John" Kerry in the National Presidential Pageant.  He has now followed this victory with the honor of being named Time's Person of the Year.

White House spokesman Scott McClellan tried to put the award into perspective.  "Winning the election was obviously a pretty big deal, but it was still just a victory over one guy, or two if you count Edwards, but we don't, and it's not like many people had even heard of him a year earlier.  But Person of the Year, that's a victory over close to 6.5 billion people, many of whom are famous."

George Bush is certainly no stranger to victory, having won two terms as Governor of Texas, two US Presidential Elections, and White House Employee of the Month an unprecedented forty-eight times in a row.

Speaking on condition of anonymity, White House Chief of Staff Andrew H. Card Jr. indicated potential turmoil surrounding Bush's amazing run.  "It's getting pretty ridiculous, frankly.  I mean, for one thing, the award didn't even exist until Clinton invented it as a way to reward employees who gave 'special effort'.  It was unofficially called the Lewinsky Award then..  Everyone knows the voting is absurd."

National Security Adviser, Secretary of State nominee and international square dance semi-finalist Condoleeza Rice explained the voting process.  "Employee of the Month voting requires a simple two-thirds of one-fifth plurality, with staffer's votes counted once each, cabinet votes counted four times each, and visiting dignitaries casting a 'wildcard' vote that can count anywhere from seven to sixteen times.  These votes are then tabulated to find the winner, pending the presidential 'trump' vote, which officially counts 'one more than twice  whatever the leader has, divided by five'  I think dice are also involved, but I'll need to check.".

Those tired of seeing Bush win probably want to skip next month's People, which plans to feature "America's Sexiest Current President".

Automotive World Stunned

NEW YORK, NY- The Insurance Institute for Highway Safety recently gave it's first ever "Deathtrap" rating to the Kia Spectra, after a crash test dummy became mangled beyond recognition simply by strapping it into the front passenger seat and turning on the radio.

"I've never seen anything like it," said Adrian Lund, COO of the IIHS.  "We try not to get emotionally attached to the dummies, since the whole point is to send them hurtling into stationary objects at high speeds, but this one was pretty special.  We were going to retire it right after this test.  Now, you can't even make a lap pillow out of it."

The Spectra, which retails for roughly $2.26, had been expected to improve upon last year's performance, where it burst into flames when the seat was adjusted.  

Asked for comment, Kia CEO Yoon Guk-Jin said something that sounded pretty Korean.  

Columns                                      

Christobol - Of Children, Dogs, and God

Gertrude Sez

Some Canadians Facing Involuntary Sobriety 

MONTREAL, CANADA - Workers for Quebec Liquor Corp rejected another settlement offer, this time including a two drink minimum and coupons for Tim Horton's.

The strike, into its second month, threatens to interrupt many Canadian's access to liquor.  While managers have been able to keep stores open thus far by showing up to do actual work themselves, this appears to be an untenable long term solution.  

Union spokes-model Bob "Doug" McKenzie said, "I expect we'll win.  When people can't get their beer, they'll get pretty horked off, eh?"

Australia Seeks to Increase Tourism  

SYDNEY, AUSTRALIA - Prime Minister John Howard, hoping to bolster lagging tourism revenues, announced a new national slogan: "Australia, it's not that frikken deadly!"  

"To hear some people talk, you'd think all we do is treat people for the horrible injuries one can receive from one of our 20 foot crocs, or the sharks, sea snakes, and blue-ringed octopi that patrol our waters, or the hundreds of venomous snakes, spiders, and scorpions almost everywhere you try to step on land.  But the truth is, most of these creatures will kill you very quickly, so treatment of injuries is not necessary."

It is hoped that the new campaign, coupled with hotel and airfare specials, may lure hundreds more vacationers to Australia in 2005, where they can enjoy its majestic beauty and buy several t-shirts before dying from an exotic toxic venom for which no cure exists.

Local                               

Eagles Continue to Suck

LETCHER, KY - Having finished the year 0 and 10, giving up an average of 59.2 points per game, the Eagles continue to suck.

Said head coach Charles Hall, "You know what we're not very good at?  Football."

And it's true, even in week seven, playing Pendleton County's School For Children Recovering from Botched Hip Replacement Surgery, Letcher fell 0 - 97.  

"That one really hurt," said assistant coach Coman Gibson, adding "To give up so many points, to basically crippled kids, is just not sound football.  Plus, I had a really good two-point conversion play drawn up, but never got a chance to try it.  And let me tell you something, as difficult as it was for those Pendleton girls to move laterally, it would have worked."

With only four seniors this year, it is not expected the Eagles will lose enough players to get any better next year.

Timeshares in Iraq! 

Learn to speak fluent African Clicking Language while you sleep!

Have you hugged a homeless transvestite heroin addict today?

Lucifer Mephistopheles, Esquire.  Personal Injury, Estate Planning, Algebra Tutoring.  Did you know that you might have suffered a lucrative injury without even knowing it?  Come in for a consult today!

SWM seeks very permissive, non-demanding, super-hot babe who likes to fetch stuff.

Found: White Tennis Shoe.  This was on service road to I-290 near Manheim.  Seriously, man, I will NOT hold on to this forever.