Weekly Newz   "You heard it here at some point."

National

International

Advertisement

Bush Cancels Winter Solstice

WASHINGTON, DC - In an effort to address concerns over winter energy bills for the nation's working class, which some economists have projected to be well over $7 gazillion dollars per month, President Bush announced during his weekly toaster address (staffers have long since quit trying to get him to stop this practice) plans to cancel the winter solstice for the western hemisphere.  "With the war on terror in full tilt, the price of oil, natural gas, and combustible goats through the roof, and liberal nancy-pantses continuing to block oil exploration in the skulls of baby seals, it's just not a good time for us to be leaning away from the sun," said Bush.

Democratic whip Steny Hoyer scathingly criticized this plan, pointing out that "...with fat cat Republicans being the heaviest consumers of energy, once again the President has crafted a solution that inordinately benefits those who need it least.  A family of twelve living in a trailer heated by burning shoes and twigs will save very little, while CEOs with 40,000 square foot mansions will save tens of thousands of dollars."  Steny, who was not named after a relative, but rather just has insensitive parents, went on to indicate that the Democrats will sponsor an alternate plan, which calls for allowing America's Growing Poor, now defined as anyone bringing home less than $125,000 per year (individual) or $250,000 per year (family) or $11.29 per year (registered Republican) to mail their utility bills to Rush Limbaugh for payment.

Dodge Calls Recall Request 'Total BS'

WASHINGTON, DC- Responding to a recent Federal safety regulation request for the recall of as many as 600,000 Durango and Dakota vehicles made between 2000 and 2003, "and any other models starting with a 'D', just to be safe", due to a potential safety hazard relating to the wheels falling off, DaimlerChrysler officials called the issue "total BS." 

Asked for further comment, DaimlerChrysler spokesman and habitual midget pincher Max Gotes said, "Why should I respond to such a load of BS?  I mean, things can break, that's what warranties are for, right?"  Pressed regarding public safety, Gotes replied, "Look, unless you're a woman, or a geezer, or Asian-American, you aren't going to wreck, right?  This is off the record, right?" 

Columns                                      

Christobol - Dave Barry Slept Here

Gertrude Sez

Ukraine Added to "Tangent of Impurity" List

KIEV, UKRAINE - After months of heated political controversy surrounding the election of a new Imperial Grand Funk Master have failed to interest anyone other than seven or perhaps eight NPR listeners, Ukrainian parliament announced this week that it had decided all leaders must henceforth be named "Viktor".  Also included in the bill are provisions aimed at limiting voter fraud in upcoming elections.  Absentee ballots, for example, may now only include eleven additional votes based on conversations in bars, down from fifteen.  Armed "Get Out The Vote" efforts are still permitted, but pre-filled convenience ballots may no longer be submitted anonymously, beginning 2008.

US Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, known more for straight talk than a predilection for wearing a skirt and singing Cher tunes, responded to this development by indicating that he had no choice but to add Ukraine to his list of countries making up the Tangent of Impurity.  "I have no official authority to add to the President's Axis of Evil, but I have had it checked, and there is nothing stopping me from creating a tangent, much like the Hypotenuse of Bad Breath I announced when the French wouldn't back us in Iraq.  Look, both Yushchenko and Yanukovych are Viktors, so they haven't solved anything over there."  

Ex-US Presidential hopeful John Kerry, preparing to give a luncheon address at the Rotary Club in Twin Bear Lake Pine Falls, Wisconsin, was paraphrased as saying, "I don't really care."  It is unclear whether this was in response to the situation in the Ukraine or the question of whether he wanted chicken or pork.

Iran and the fictitious Republik of Terrorstan are the only countries to appear on all three lists.

Local                               

Puppy Finds a Home!

TOAD SUCK PARK, AR- The abandoned puppy found in Toad Suck Park near Conway, Arkansas last week, a Saint Bernard - Chihuahua mix born with only one leg, has finally found a home.  Megan Sporemonkey, president and sole member of the local chapter of Puppies Are People, stumbled across the little fellow while gathering toads for a mystic ritual two weeks ago.  In spite of several random phone calls, a pot-luck supper, and posters placed at local gas stations, Sporemonkey was unable to find the owner or a suitable foster home for "Stubby". 

Running out of time, but refusing to give up hope, Sporemonkey told Weekly Newz, "Finally, I just whacked him with a shovel and buried him there in the park where I'd found him.  I couldn't keep him, what with the way he whined all the time, chewed on stuff, and couldn't move himself out of his own waste.  I did plant a flower on his grave, though."

Those wishing to make a gift in Stubby's memory should spend that money on professional help instead.

 Girthatizer™?

Life got you down?  Why not volunteer yourself for scientific experimentation! 

Get your masters degree while sitting on the toilet!

Adopt a Snake

Lucifer Mephistopheles, Esquire.  Personal Injury, Estate Planning, Algebra Tutoring.  Mention this ad and get 10% less screwed!

Find a Really HOT and Inexplicably Single Babe Near You

Found: White Tennis Shoe.  This was on service road to I-290 near Manheim.  I'm totally going to throw it away if you don't call soon.