Dear Gertrude:  Our new neighbors are class-A certified weirdoes of the highest order.  The things they do - and the outfits in which they do them, are simply not to be believed if you haven't seen them for yourself, so I won't even try to describe them.  I mean, you would say I'm crazy for suggesting that the human body could even withstand such a position, much less grip the goose for long enough to even...well, you wouldn't believe it.  I guess they think that because they do these things in a locked, windowless room in their basement that it's none of anyone else's business.  Do you think I should contact the authorities, or Cinemax, or what? - Living Next To Weirdoes in Wisconsin. 

Gertrude Sez:  Unless you live in one of those uppity neighborhoods with an "Association" that meddles in everyone's business regarding how often they must cut their lawns and where and whether they can clean a deer, you're probably not going to get far by contacting the authorities.  Have you considered trying to ignore what goes on behind locked doors at your neighbor's house?  Maybe check out what another neighbor is doing at the time?  A happy community requires some flexibility, I've always thought.  

Dear Gertrude:  My wife doesn't support my dreams.  I thought that's what spouses were supposed to do, but I guess she has other ideas.  When I heard about these geezers becoming the oldest professional baseball player ever by having one at-bat for a AAA team in some podunk nowhere place, I just knew that's what I want in life.  Sure, I'm only 27, so I'll have to wait about 70 years, but I'm good with long term goals like that.  It's short term goals that require immediate action that get to me.  And the great thing is there's no training requirement.  You don't have to hit the ball or anything, just waddle over into the batter's box.  Can you please tell my wife to support my dreams, and also to have more sex, with me. - Big Time Dreamer in Dallas.

Gertrude Sez:  Whether it was a drunken weekend in Las Vegas or a hormone driven courtship, you managed to get the woman to become your wife.  Now she won't listen to you.  What makes you think she'll listen to me?  Now, I can't be sure, but I'm guessing if you could find a way to incorporate getting filthy rich in the next couple years into your old man baseball player plans, she'd become much more supportive.  

Dear Gertrude:  My boss is a real jerk.  He's always condescending to me, saying things like, "It's not appropriate to urinate on the copier," or "It is never permissible to put a customer in a headlock."  It's getting to the point where I don't know what it's going to take to get fired.  I already hit on his daughter and wife at a company party.  Do you have any suggestions? 

Gertrude Sez:  Try talking to his boss without his permission.  You should be fired within an hour. 

Gem of the Day:  Everybody complains about the price of gas, but nobody will vote for my Skateboard Only Lane proposal.