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Bush Says Massage Was Actually A Sleeper Hold

WASHINGTON, DC - By now everyone with an internet connection has seen the video clip of George Bush giving an impromptu and unwelcome massage to German Chancellor Angela Merkel at the G8 Summit. 

It's too bad they didn't get a picture when George did this to Putin.

The White House is now claiming that it was not, in fact, a massage.  Instead, it was part of a sophisticated sleeper hold that Bush has been practicing for weeks by watching old tapes of the Von Erichs.  "By cutting off the supply of oxygen to her brain, Bush improved the chances that he could get first crack at the donuts that morning," said White House spokesperson Steve Wankerhead. 

Miss Universe Collapses

LOS ANGELES, CA - Zuleyka Rivera Mendoza, the Puerto Rican beauty who was selected as 2006 Miss Universe, fainted minutes after donning her crown.

Officials were quick to point out that the stage was very hot, and her dress was tight and heavily jeweled.  They played down the possibility that she had collapsed as a result of only "...eating a single soy-okra crouton in the last eight months."

Columns                                      

Christobol - Now I'm Gettin' Mad!

Gertrude Sez

Rice Visits Lebanon

BEIRUT, LEBANON - In a surprise visit (Condi thought she was headed to Cancun) with Lebanese Prime Minister Fouad Siniora, Rice urged the beleaguered leader to get a handle on Hezbollah before his country is reduced to a pile of gravel.

Is it just me, or does Condi usually look like somebody is fixin' to get slapped?

For his part, Siniori asked that Rice tell the Israelis to stop bombing his cities for long enough for him to deal with the Hezbollah terrorists.  He thought it would not take longer than fifty or a hundred years.  "Two hundred, tops," he said.

Local                               

Can French People Even Ride A Bike?

PARIS, FRANCE  -  For the eighth year in a row, an American has won the Tour de France, a grueling bicycle ride through the mountains.

In the seven years prior to this year, it was Lance Armstrong (recovering from cancer) who dominated.  Now it's Floyd Landis, who needs a new hip.  I don't want to start anything, but the French are some sucky-assed bike riders.

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Madame Bovine predicts that the French will not win the Tour de France, ever.

Jack Johnson School of Useless Skills has mastered the process of melting gold down to burn as fuel in your car. 

Al's Corner Gas is out of collector's spoons depicting Bigfoot winning a NASCAR race on a unicycle.  Sorry, we didn't expect such a rush.

Garreth Keenturd, Esq.  -  Operating under the assumption that only rich people can be at fault for over 20 years! 

For Sale:  Hungry-Hungry Hippos repair kit.  Why let that great game sit unused just because a Hippo jammed?   

 Lurlene's Bar & Grill - Where the fifth bowl of nuts is always on the house.

Lost: Interest in The History of Clogging, Volume VI.